Wow. Lots of time has passed since my last post. Nationally, personally, financially, "parentally".
Most of it has been good. I have settled into single life and have learned to love it. I am not sure if I can ever love again and am okay with that. Now, it seems enough to learn to love and like myself. That has been an interesting trip.
I find that I no longer really care what anyone else thinks about me. The assumptions people make are hilarious. The misunderstanding of my relationships with my male friends is on-going, but I have to admit, I sometimes find them confusing too.
I love that I can let myself be attracted to and laugh with men without having to think it is sexual. I also love that so many people assume it can only be sexual. I am flattered that I am seen as still being sexual.
It is interesting to live as a sexual celibate and consider what makes me tick without sex being part of the equation: Friendship, family, becoming a grandmother, my daughters, laughter, Art, in all forms, gardening, the grown-up spelling bee, Darts, a good glass of wine and a great poem or lyric.
Are they enough to fuel a full life? For now, yes.
Trust and love? I think they will come again. I am ready now. Wasn't before. Now, time will tell.
Slainte
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So much to consider, to love, to want
Hello again. Seems like forever since I have written here. Life has been good, bad, ugly...personally, economically, socially...
In the midst of all of this, I have been learning so much about me. What matters to me. What I want. What I fear. What I trust. What I don't want and will not do...
A life, wide-open, is like a road trip. Take the freeway and you get there fast; take the back-roads and you find beauty and joy and surprises at every stop. Some are amazingly good. Others are like a trip I took to Mexico once; full of poverty, sadness, dirt and then you land on this incredible beach in front of a most powerful ocean...I would say that this last two years have been a mix of both types of trips. Ultimately, I have a sense of seeing that vast and powerful ocean. I know about the undertow. I know about the tides. I know about the life beneath, both beautiful and dangerous. I see how the moon reflects it's light in a fluid way that shifts with each wave. I hear it's lullaby. I know and respect its power. Knowing all of this, I choose to swim in it.
I will choose my friends wisely. Those I choose, I will love fiercely. I will love and believe in the potential goodness of most people. I will trust those worthy of trust. I will not suffer those who are not. I will learn to find my way in these shifting times and believe in my ability to not just survive, but help others to do so too.
I will make mistakes. I will probably fall in love and be hurt again. I will dare to try again, anyway. I will only love someone "with both feet off the ground," if they understand and love the "pilgrim soul" in me. I will love theirs too. I will not be hateful or cruel. I will be angry at injustice. In that anger, I will be constructive and use it to make change happen.
I will never, ever, not see the beauty, both grand and small, in front of my eyes. I will try to create beauty as often as I can.
I will laugh. I will laugh. I will laugh.
Slante
In the midst of all of this, I have been learning so much about me. What matters to me. What I want. What I fear. What I trust. What I don't want and will not do...
A life, wide-open, is like a road trip. Take the freeway and you get there fast; take the back-roads and you find beauty and joy and surprises at every stop. Some are amazingly good. Others are like a trip I took to Mexico once; full of poverty, sadness, dirt and then you land on this incredible beach in front of a most powerful ocean...I would say that this last two years have been a mix of both types of trips. Ultimately, I have a sense of seeing that vast and powerful ocean. I know about the undertow. I know about the tides. I know about the life beneath, both beautiful and dangerous. I see how the moon reflects it's light in a fluid way that shifts with each wave. I hear it's lullaby. I know and respect its power. Knowing all of this, I choose to swim in it.
I will choose my friends wisely. Those I choose, I will love fiercely. I will love and believe in the potential goodness of most people. I will trust those worthy of trust. I will not suffer those who are not. I will learn to find my way in these shifting times and believe in my ability to not just survive, but help others to do so too.
I will make mistakes. I will probably fall in love and be hurt again. I will dare to try again, anyway. I will only love someone "with both feet off the ground," if they understand and love the "pilgrim soul" in me. I will love theirs too. I will not be hateful or cruel. I will be angry at injustice. In that anger, I will be constructive and use it to make change happen.
I will never, ever, not see the beauty, both grand and small, in front of my eyes. I will try to create beauty as often as I can.
I will laugh. I will laugh. I will laugh.
Slante
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Free At Last!!! oh sweet life...
Post-election bliss and endorphin crash
Current mood: luminous
Category: freeeeeeeeee News and Politics
So strange and euphoric still...in my lifetime, never would have bellieved this America could have come so far! Think the absolute failure of Bush and his New World Order crew, un-regulated, unabashedly greedy, unscrupulous, shit helped the population see past skin color?!!??
whatever...it took a disaster for us, as a nation to appreciate intelligence and a calm demeanor in a leader. Finally.
Now, all the hard work begins. Call your congressmen and senators, starting today, to push change and say NO MORE to the last push by Bush as he tries to pass 300 evil, greedy bills...pay attention, folks.
Oh, and think of me this friday! At freakin last, I'll be signing my divorce decree and will be celebrating like a mad single woman at the Bee! Come BEE happy for me!
We will toast to the future, to freedom, to happiness and to prosperity, for al!l
Slante! Slante! Slante!!!!!
I am currently listening to :
La Vie en Rose
By Edith Piaf ...it is beautiful and amazing....
Release date: 1999-02-09
Current mood: luminous
Category: freeeeeeeeee News and Politics
So strange and euphoric still...in my lifetime, never would have bellieved this America could have come so far! Think the absolute failure of Bush and his New World Order crew, un-regulated, unabashedly greedy, unscrupulous, shit helped the population see past skin color?!!??
whatever...it took a disaster for us, as a nation to appreciate intelligence and a calm demeanor in a leader. Finally.
Now, all the hard work begins. Call your congressmen and senators, starting today, to push change and say NO MORE to the last push by Bush as he tries to pass 300 evil, greedy bills...pay attention, folks.
Oh, and think of me this friday! At freakin last, I'll be signing my divorce decree and will be celebrating like a mad single woman at the Bee! Come BEE happy for me!
We will toast to the future, to freedom, to happiness and to prosperity, for al!l
Slante! Slante! Slante!!!!!
I am currently listening to :
La Vie en Rose
By Edith Piaf ...it is beautiful and amazing....
Release date: 1999-02-09
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Promised land.....
Promised land..The Angels of our better nature
Current mood: contemplative
Category: melancholy News and Politics
Last night we elected an intelligent and honorable man to be our 44th president.
A black man raised by a single mother and his grandparents, a man who wihile growing up learned that to be accepted in a color coded country, that he'd have to be smarter, nicer, socially wiser...a man hand made by society and family to be able to reach out, to find common ground...a man who could reach out and say i might not have had your vote, but I will hear you and work..I will be your President too...
Rep. John Lewis sat for an interview after the election had been callled for Obama, and to look at his face was to see the track of racial intolerance and the civil rights stuggle worn like a tattoo over his cheeks and eyes...the pride, the dis-belief, the hope the bittersweet memories about those killed over color in his lifetime, trying to bring equality to this country.
I read that FDR thought it was not the specific programs he gave this country after the depression, but instead the gift of hope...of faith in our ability to re-0build our economy, our infrastructure, our core american values...Faith reflected, was his talent and gift to a wounded America.
Obama has that gift, that talent. . He has vision and conscience and values..
I hope the great greed, concentrated wealth, lack of constitutional and legal restrictions that the Reagan/Bush neocon's have spewed can be cleaned up. That we can rebuild our jobs base, our education systems, take care of our sick and less fortunate...value art and ideas, create peace and end two new world order wars...
No one man can do that. It is President Obama, the House, the Senate...
but MOSTLY IT IS US!!! WE will need to be vigilant. We will need to get off our asses and lobby, debate, hold people accountable...we will need to be engaged in our own destiny. We will use the gift of FAITH that Obama has, to our greater good. We will be a democracy again. We will be good, honorable citizens who no longer follow like sheep.
We will honor the memory of all of the great men and women who got us to this day, the day a wise man, who also happens to be black, is our 44th President.
Soujourner Truth, Rosa Parks, MLK, Robert Kennedy, Toussaint, the many slain civil rights workers, freedom bus tiders, lunch-counter protestors, sweet Rep.John Lewis..... They saw the promised land from a great distance....some, many, died trying to get us all to that promised land...Last night in America, we got to the promised land.
Let us not waste it.
Currently listening :
'His Eye Is on the Sparrow'
By ETHEL WATERS
Current mood: contemplative
Category: melancholy News and Politics
Last night we elected an intelligent and honorable man to be our 44th president.
A black man raised by a single mother and his grandparents, a man who wihile growing up learned that to be accepted in a color coded country, that he'd have to be smarter, nicer, socially wiser...a man hand made by society and family to be able to reach out, to find common ground...a man who could reach out and say i might not have had your vote, but I will hear you and work..I will be your President too...
Rep. John Lewis sat for an interview after the election had been callled for Obama, and to look at his face was to see the track of racial intolerance and the civil rights stuggle worn like a tattoo over his cheeks and eyes...the pride, the dis-belief, the hope the bittersweet memories about those killed over color in his lifetime, trying to bring equality to this country.
I read that FDR thought it was not the specific programs he gave this country after the depression, but instead the gift of hope...of faith in our ability to re-0build our economy, our infrastructure, our core american values...Faith reflected, was his talent and gift to a wounded America.
Obama has that gift, that talent. . He has vision and conscience and values..
I hope the great greed, concentrated wealth, lack of constitutional and legal restrictions that the Reagan/Bush neocon's have spewed can be cleaned up. That we can rebuild our jobs base, our education systems, take care of our sick and less fortunate...value art and ideas, create peace and end two new world order wars...
No one man can do that. It is President Obama, the House, the Senate...
but MOSTLY IT IS US!!! WE will need to be vigilant. We will need to get off our asses and lobby, debate, hold people accountable...we will need to be engaged in our own destiny. We will use the gift of FAITH that Obama has, to our greater good. We will be a democracy again. We will be good, honorable citizens who no longer follow like sheep.
We will honor the memory of all of the great men and women who got us to this day, the day a wise man, who also happens to be black, is our 44th President.
Soujourner Truth, Rosa Parks, MLK, Robert Kennedy, Toussaint, the many slain civil rights workers, freedom bus tiders, lunch-counter protestors, sweet Rep.John Lewis..... They saw the promised land from a great distance....some, many, died trying to get us all to that promised land...Last night in America, we got to the promised land.
Let us not waste it.
Currently listening :
'His Eye Is on the Sparrow'
By ETHEL WATERS
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I voted, I cried, I believe!!!
I voted, I cried, I believe!. Now, I'm gonna dtrink a toast
Never for one minute of my youth, did I ever dream I would live long enough to see a blackman run for prez and actually WIN!
Goodness, intelligence, measured -responses do matter after all! Are we finally smart enough collectively to get past the trite and false sound bites offered in place of real plans for change? Real thoughtfull strategy matters!!!
FOR FUCKSAKE, I SAID IT.... OUT-LOUD . I SAID W I N ...! I doubledared myself to believe Iit would happen and I do believe it will!
Tonight I'm gonna put on my sassiest election day duds and some high heels and eyeliner and go out with my democratic, leftist , maybe even socialist...oh dear...friends and celebrate the hell out of the taking back of Democracy, the restoration of the Constitution, the resurgence of altruism instead of greed, of hope, of jobs, of unions, fof air wages,of education, of healthcare, of a women's right over her own body, and , well, of pure and simple JOY.
I will drink to all of these things. And when my head hits my pillow, I will cry myself to sleep out of happiness ...pure hope and happiness...instead of fear.
Slante, Barak, Slante
Never for one minute of my youth, did I ever dream I would live long enough to see a blackman run for prez and actually WIN!
Goodness, intelligence, measured -responses do matter after all! Are we finally smart enough collectively to get past the trite and false sound bites offered in place of real plans for change? Real thoughtfull strategy matters!!!
FOR FUCKSAKE, I SAID IT.... OUT-LOUD . I SAID W I N ...! I doubledared myself to believe Iit would happen and I do believe it will!
Tonight I'm gonna put on my sassiest election day duds and some high heels and eyeliner and go out with my democratic, leftist , maybe even socialist...oh dear...friends and celebrate the hell out of the taking back of Democracy, the restoration of the Constitution, the resurgence of altruism instead of greed, of hope, of jobs, of unions, fof air wages,of education, of healthcare, of a women's right over her own body, and , well, of pure and simple JOY.
I will drink to all of these things. And when my head hits my pillow, I will cry myself to sleep out of happiness ...pure hope and happiness...instead of fear.
Slante, Barak, Slante
Sunday, November 2, 2008
America, be color-blind!
November 05, 2008
Current mood: hopeful
Category: adament Dreams and the Supernatural
On Sunday, November 02nd, I'll go to sleep in a country that has legislatively lost it's way. All the past week, I've sadly, incredulously, listened to "educated", and yet incredibly ignorant white people talk out their fears...fears of being "enslaved," if a black man was elected President, a belief that a "muslim" in methodist's cloak, will lead us to hell, that we would be lead by a "terrorist" into a nightmare of wars and self-destruction...not one of these "intelligent" people talked about the issues: the inequitable distribution of power and wealth, or the lack of over-sight that led to the biggest financial crisis since the depression, about the undermining of the basis of our democracy-the Constitution--or the war, the deaths, the cutting of V A benefits, or the foreclosures, or the underfunding of education, or the job losses..instead of issues, they talked out of their own ignorance and bigotry:fear of color...lies lies lies, all paid for by the RNC ...hate ads everywhere...
Now, at bed time, I will light a candle and turn on Maria Callas...I"ll shut off the tv and pray to whatever collective goodness might exist, be cogent of our dire needs, hope that somewhere, out there in the cosmos, something listens...I will pray for a wake-up call for fearful, racvially divided America. I will pray for open confrontaion of and discusion about our history of hate and fear and violence against peopke of color fed by the white powers that be...I will say fuck racism...and hatred and fear about other Gods..
I predict that I will wake up Tuesday morning and go to vote, the lines will be wrapped around the park andf the school I vote at. The people will believe in change and hope.. young and middle age voters will let the old ladies and old men, the mom's with kids go to the head of the line. They will sit on the grass and talk to eachother, hopeful...white black, brown... All will sense that things must change. I will drive around the city...I will see lines full of young, old, people of all colors, all incomes, all religions, trying to create change one vote at a time...
This election, I know that no-one will sit quietly by, if anyone tries to steal this election a quiet assertion and promise to riot in the streets this time...I will take it to the streets myself if that happens...I see in the majority of voters, new and old, a determination to make sure that this historic election is played out fairly and openly...
On Wednesday, I will wake up to a new political world. It will be a hard slog, but the times and mindset of greed and self-centered interest will be replaced by the realization that it is how we share our prosperity and grow it through that sharing that makes us greater and a real world power..
I will drop to my knees and be thankful for Change and I will do everything I can to help our government make this a reality.
AMEN!
Current mood: hopeful
Category: adament Dreams and the Supernatural
On Sunday, November 02nd, I'll go to sleep in a country that has legislatively lost it's way. All the past week, I've sadly, incredulously, listened to "educated", and yet incredibly ignorant white people talk out their fears...fears of being "enslaved," if a black man was elected President, a belief that a "muslim" in methodist's cloak, will lead us to hell, that we would be lead by a "terrorist" into a nightmare of wars and self-destruction...not one of these "intelligent" people talked about the issues: the inequitable distribution of power and wealth, or the lack of over-sight that led to the biggest financial crisis since the depression, about the undermining of the basis of our democracy-the Constitution--or the war, the deaths, the cutting of V A benefits, or the foreclosures, or the underfunding of education, or the job losses..instead of issues, they talked out of their own ignorance and bigotry:fear of color...lies lies lies, all paid for by the RNC ...hate ads everywhere...
Now, at bed time, I will light a candle and turn on Maria Callas...I"ll shut off the tv and pray to whatever collective goodness might exist, be cogent of our dire needs, hope that somewhere, out there in the cosmos, something listens...I will pray for a wake-up call for fearful, racvially divided America. I will pray for open confrontaion of and discusion about our history of hate and fear and violence against peopke of color fed by the white powers that be...I will say fuck racism...and hatred and fear about other Gods..
I predict that I will wake up Tuesday morning and go to vote, the lines will be wrapped around the park andf the school I vote at. The people will believe in change and hope.. young and middle age voters will let the old ladies and old men, the mom's with kids go to the head of the line. They will sit on the grass and talk to eachother, hopeful...white black, brown... All will sense that things must change. I will drive around the city...I will see lines full of young, old, people of all colors, all incomes, all religions, trying to create change one vote at a time...
This election, I know that no-one will sit quietly by, if anyone tries to steal this election a quiet assertion and promise to riot in the streets this time...I will take it to the streets myself if that happens...I see in the majority of voters, new and old, a determination to make sure that this historic election is played out fairly and openly...
On Wednesday, I will wake up to a new political world. It will be a hard slog, but the times and mindset of greed and self-centered interest will be replaced by the realization that it is how we share our prosperity and grow it through that sharing that makes us greater and a real world power..
I will drop to my knees and be thankful for Change and I will do everything I can to help our government make this a reality.
AMEN!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
'Palin' comparison
Last night, for halloween, I dressed up as Sarah Palin to give out candy at my coffeeshop...perfect wig, red power blazer, black heels...wideleather belt. and, oh yes, the perfect glasses and lipstick...The creepy, too-perfect replica! My personal added embellishment was a baby-doll tucked, upside down, into the belt, and a seal-pup, dead and bloodied hanging from my hip...The parents laughed. The kids, age 5 and up, all knew who I was. now that says alot about how politicalthe world is even for five year olds!
After the shop closed, I thought it was too good a costume to just use at work so I went to little Grumps, my fave n.e. bar,with some friends to scare and amuse slightly inebriated adults...As I walked in, there were 5 other Palin;'s in the bat...all played straight, no dark humorous add-ons ...we all complimented eachother for being the scariest things in the bar and laughed...they all bowed in homage to the baby"Trig" doll and dead seal pup..We laughed and had a drink. and toasted to her political demise..
For the rest of the evening there were many political discussions, animated and hopeful. Amazing, I thought, the level of hope and the level of fear, in that neighborhood bar! We all worried that somehow , inexplicably, another election and real change could be stolen once again...the hope and the fear were equally palpable...
Saw many a customer and friend there, and we laughed and toasted to Obama and hope...After a while, I sat at the bar cuz my slutty highheels were killing my feet and then, an old customer/friend sat next to me, laughing at the Palin costume. Over a beer, he pulled out his iphone to show me all of the pictures of his beautiful new daughter and waxed stunningly poeticfor such a macho construction man, about how much he loved her...how they were perfect pals from the moment he looked at her face. He talked about how he was stunned by the immediate depth of his love for her. It made me want to cry in joy for that love. We talked about our shared St. John's college education...how lucky we were for it...About how, in this time,, we needed to believe that Obama could win and help steer this crazy wounded ship called America...We talked liberation theology, we talked poetry, we talked kids and work for over two hours...it was so nice to see him so full of life...
As the night passed, I kept thinking how strange and goofy, downright bizarre it would have been to walk into that bar on that halloween night and listen to and watch everybody....him dressed as a woodsman, me as Palin, surrounded by lucha libre masks, devils, Hillary Clintons, priests, Pinocchio, a guy dressed as an anal fissure, goblins, Michael Phelps, Witches, Gargoyles...all of us talking politics...all of us so so so wanting to believe that change will come...
Slante to us all, Slante to hope, Slante to a new kinder liberal order.
I believe.
After the shop closed, I thought it was too good a costume to just use at work so I went to little Grumps, my fave n.e. bar,with some friends to scare and amuse slightly inebriated adults...As I walked in, there were 5 other Palin;'s in the bat...all played straight, no dark humorous add-ons ...we all complimented eachother for being the scariest things in the bar and laughed...they all bowed in homage to the baby"Trig" doll and dead seal pup..We laughed and had a drink. and toasted to her political demise..
For the rest of the evening there were many political discussions, animated and hopeful. Amazing, I thought, the level of hope and the level of fear, in that neighborhood bar! We all worried that somehow , inexplicably, another election and real change could be stolen once again...the hope and the fear were equally palpable...
Saw many a customer and friend there, and we laughed and toasted to Obama and hope...After a while, I sat at the bar cuz my slutty highheels were killing my feet and then, an old customer/friend sat next to me, laughing at the Palin costume. Over a beer, he pulled out his iphone to show me all of the pictures of his beautiful new daughter and waxed stunningly poeticfor such a macho construction man, about how much he loved her...how they were perfect pals from the moment he looked at her face. He talked about how he was stunned by the immediate depth of his love for her. It made me want to cry in joy for that love. We talked about our shared St. John's college education...how lucky we were for it...About how, in this time,, we needed to believe that Obama could win and help steer this crazy wounded ship called America...We talked liberation theology, we talked poetry, we talked kids and work for over two hours...it was so nice to see him so full of life...
As the night passed, I kept thinking how strange and goofy, downright bizarre it would have been to walk into that bar on that halloween night and listen to and watch everybody....him dressed as a woodsman, me as Palin, surrounded by lucha libre masks, devils, Hillary Clintons, priests, Pinocchio, a guy dressed as an anal fissure, goblins, Michael Phelps, Witches, Gargoyles...all of us talking politics...all of us so so so wanting to believe that change will come...
Slante to us all, Slante to hope, Slante to a new kinder liberal order.
I believe.
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