Free At Last!!! oh sweet life...

Post-election bliss and endorphin crash
Current mood: luminous
Category: freeeeeeeeee News and Politics

So strange and euphoric still...in my lifetime, never would have bellieved this America could have come so far! Think the absolute failure of Bush and his New World Order crew, un-regulated, unabashedly greedy, unscrupulous, shit helped the population see past skin color?!!??

whatever...it took a disaster for us, as a nation to appreciate intelligence and a calm demeanor in a leader. Finally.
Now, all the hard work begins. Call your congressmen and senators, starting today, to push change and say NO MORE to the last push by Bush as he tries to pass 300 evil, greedy bills...pay attention, folks.

Oh, and think of me this friday! At freakin last, I'll be signing my divorce decree and will be celebrating like a mad single woman at the Bee! Come BEE happy for me!

We will toast to the future, to freedom, to happiness and to prosperity, for al!l
Slante! Slante! Slante!!!!!

I am currently listening to :
La Vie en Rose
By Edith Piaf ...it is beautiful and amazing....
Release date: 1999-02-09

Promised land.....

Promised land..The Angels of our better nature
Current mood: contemplative
Category: melancholy News and Politics

Last night we elected an intelligent and honorable man to be our 44th president.
A black man raised by a single mother and his grandparents, a man who wihile growing up learned that to be accepted in a color coded country, that he'd have to be smarter, nicer, socially wiser...a man hand made by society and family to be able to reach out, to find common ground...a man who could reach out and say i might not have had your vote, but I will hear you and work..I will be your President too...

Rep. John Lewis sat for an interview after the election had been callled for Obama, and to look at his face was to see the track of racial intolerance and the civil rights stuggle worn like a tattoo over his cheeks and eyes...the pride, the dis-belief, the hope the bittersweet memories about those killed over color in his lifetime, trying to bring equality to this country.

I read that FDR thought it was not the specific programs he gave this country after the depression, but instead the gift of hope...of faith in our ability to re-0build our economy, our infrastructure, our core american values...Faith reflected, was his talent and gift to a wounded America.

Obama has that gift, that talent. . He has vision and conscience and values..

I hope the great greed, concentrated wealth, lack of constitutional and legal restrictions that the Reagan/Bush neocon's have spewed can be cleaned up. That we can rebuild our jobs base, our education systems, take care of our sick and less fortunate...value art and ideas, create peace and end two new world order wars...

No one man can do that. It is President Obama, the House, the Senate...
but MOSTLY IT IS US!!! WE will need to be vigilant. We will need to get off our asses and lobby, debate, hold people accountable...we will need to be engaged in our own destiny. We will use the gift of FAITH that Obama has, to our greater good. We will be a democracy again. We will be good, honorable citizens who no longer follow like sheep.

We will honor the memory of all of the great men and women who got us to this day, the day a wise man, who also happens to be black, is our 44th President.

Soujourner Truth, Rosa Parks, MLK, Robert Kennedy, Toussaint, the many slain civil rights workers, freedom bus tiders, lunch-counter protestors, sweet Rep.John Lewis..... They saw the promised land from a great distance....some, many, died trying to get us all to that promised land...Last night in America, we got to the promised land.
Let us not waste it.

Currently listening :
'His Eye Is on the Sparrow'
By ETHEL WATERS

I voted, I cried, I believe!!!

I voted, I cried, I believe!. Now, I'm gonna dtrink a toast
Never for one minute of my youth, did I ever dream I would live long enough to see a blackman run for prez and actually WIN!

Goodness, intelligence, measured -responses do matter after all! Are we finally smart enough collectively to get past the trite and false sound bites offered in place of real plans for change? Real thoughtfull strategy matters!!!

FOR FUCKSAKE, I SAID IT.... OUT-LOUD . I SAID W I N ...! I doubledared myself to believe Iit would happen and I do believe it will!

Tonight I'm gonna put on my sassiest election day duds and some high heels and eyeliner and go out with my democratic, leftist , maybe even socialist...oh dear...friends and celebrate the hell out of the taking back of Democracy, the restoration of the Constitution, the resurgence of altruism instead of greed, of hope, of jobs, of unions, fof air wages,of education, of healthcare, of a women's right over her own body, and , well, of pure and simple JOY.


I will drink to all of these things. And when my head hits my pillow, I will cry myself to sleep out of happiness ...pure hope and happiness...instead of fear.


Slante, Barak, Slante

America, be color-blind!

November 05, 2008
Current mood: hopeful
Category: adament Dreams and the Supernatural

On Sunday, November 02nd, I'll go to sleep in a country that has legislatively lost it's way. All the past week, I've sadly, incredulously, listened to "educated", and yet incredibly ignorant white people talk out their fears...fears of being "enslaved," if a black man was elected President, a belief that a "muslim" in methodist's cloak, will lead us to hell, that we would be lead by a "terrorist" into a nightmare of wars and self-destruction...not one of these "intelligent" people talked about the issues: the inequitable distribution of power and wealth, or the lack of over-sight that led to the biggest financial crisis since the depression, about the undermining of the basis of our democracy-the Constitution--or the war, the deaths, the cutting of V A benefits, or the foreclosures, or the underfunding of education, or the job losses..instead of issues, they talked out of their own ignorance and bigotry:fear of color...lies lies lies, all paid for by the RNC ...hate ads everywhere...
Now, at bed time, I will light a candle and turn on Maria Callas...I"ll shut off the tv and pray to whatever collective goodness might exist, be cogent of our dire needs, hope that somewhere, out there in the cosmos, something listens...I will pray for a wake-up call for fearful, racvially divided America. I will pray for open confrontaion of and discusion about our history of hate and fear and violence against peopke of color fed by the white powers that be...I will say fuck racism...and hatred and fear about other Gods..
I predict that I will wake up Tuesday morning and go to vote, the lines will be wrapped around the park andf the school I vote at. The people will believe in change and hope.. young and middle age voters will let the old ladies and old men, the mom's with kids go to the head of the line. They will sit on the grass and talk to eachother, hopeful...white black, brown... All will sense that things must change. I will drive around the city...I will see lines full of young, old, people of all colors, all incomes, all religions, trying to create change one vote at a time...

This election, I know that no-one will sit quietly by, if anyone tries to steal this election a quiet assertion and promise to riot in the streets this time...I will take it to the streets myself if that happens...I see in the majority of voters, new and old, a determination to make sure that this historic election is played out fairly and openly...

On Wednesday, I will wake up to a new political world. It will be a hard slog, but the times and mindset of greed and self-centered interest will be replaced by the realization that it is how we share our prosperity and grow it through that sharing that makes us greater and a real world power..

I will drop to my knees and be thankful for Change and I will do everything I can to help our government make this a reality.

AMEN!

'Palin' comparison

Last night, for halloween, I dressed up as Sarah Palin to give out candy at my coffeeshop...perfect wig, red power blazer, black heels...wideleather belt. and, oh yes, the perfect glasses and lipstick...The creepy, too-perfect replica! My personal added embellishment was a baby-doll tucked, upside down, into the belt, and a seal-pup, dead and bloodied hanging from my hip...The parents laughed. The kids, age 5 and up, all knew who I was. now that says alot about how politicalthe world is even for five year olds!

After the shop closed, I thought it was too good a costume to just use at work so I went to little Grumps, my fave n.e. bar,with some friends to scare and amuse slightly inebriated adults...As I walked in, there were 5 other Palin;'s in the bat...all played straight, no dark humorous add-ons ...we all complimented eachother for being the scariest things in the bar and laughed...they all bowed in homage to the baby"Trig" doll and dead seal pup..We laughed and had a drink. and toasted to her political demise..

For the rest of the evening there were many political discussions, animated and hopeful. Amazing, I thought, the level of hope and the level of fear, in that neighborhood bar! We all worried that somehow , inexplicably, another election and real change could be stolen once again...the hope and the fear were equally palpable...

Saw many a customer and friend there, and we laughed and toasted to Obama and hope...After a while, I sat at the bar cuz my slutty highheels were killing my feet and then, an old customer/friend sat next to me, laughing at the Palin costume. Over a beer, he pulled out his iphone to show me all of the pictures of his beautiful new daughter and waxed stunningly poeticfor such a macho construction man, about how much he loved her...how they were perfect pals from the moment he looked at her face. He talked about how he was stunned by the immediate depth of his love for her. It made me want to cry in joy for that love. We talked about our shared St. John's college education...how lucky we were for it...About how, in this time,, we needed to believe that Obama could win and help steer this crazy wounded ship called America...We talked liberation theology, we talked poetry, we talked kids and work for over two hours...it was so nice to see him so full of life...

As the night passed, I kept thinking how strange and goofy, downright bizarre it would have been to walk into that bar on that halloween night and listen to and watch everybody....him dressed as a woodsman, me as Palin, surrounded by lucha libre masks, devils, Hillary Clintons, priests, Pinocchio, a guy dressed as an anal fissure, goblins, Michael Phelps, Witches, Gargoyles...all of us talking politics...all of us so so so wanting to believe that change will come...

Slante to us all, Slante to hope, Slante to a new kinder liberal order.

I believe.

A New Deal/Real Deal...cycle, history... cycle

FDR Explains the Crisis

Why 2008 Feels Like 1932

By PAM MARTENS
The parallels with 1932 are breathtaking: billions in bonds defaulting; dysfunctional global credit markets; commodity prices crumbling; stocks in free fall; home foreclosures; rising unemployment; banks teetering; an angry populace; a Republican administration clinging to their discredited trickle down theory; a Democratic contender for President with charismatic oratory skills tapping into the public mood with a message of a New Deal, this time called “change we can believe in.”
To complete the similitude, we need only a landslide victory for the Democrats in the upcoming election with Obama carrying all but six states.
It is no coincidence that our problems today are a replay of those of 1932, albeit with a less rapid economic descent because of the safety nets like Social Security and bank deposit insurance put in place by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s New Deal programs of the 30s. Each and every form of securities and bank fraud that led to the conditions of 1932 have been perpetrated again today. The only differences are that this time the Wall Street leverage is larger and the fraud frequently began its life with a triple-A pedigree and a legal opinion from a top tier law firm registered as a lobbyist with the U.S. government.
To make the point that an unregulated Wall Street has looted our nation twice in an eighty year span and brought it to its knees using the same treachery, I’ve sought out the assistance of the man who previously saved capitalism from the crony capitalists. Following is my interview with FDR, using quotations from campaign speeches he gave in 1932.
Martens: I am struck by the historic concentrations of wealth and inequalities in income distribution that peaked just before the Great Depression of the 30s and are with us again today. Does our economic system require a certain equilibrium of wealth distribution in order that workers can afford to buy the goods and services produced by their employers? Or, to put it another way, is deflation and general wealth destruction the end game when wealth becomes overly concentrated?
FDR: “…our basic trouble was not an insufficiency of capital. It was an insufficient distribution of buying power coupled with an over-sufficient speculation in production. While wages rose in many of our industries, they did not as a whole rise proportionately to the reward to capital, and at the same time the purchasing power of other great groups of our population was permitted to shrink. We accumulated such a superabundance of capital that our great bankers were vying with each other, some of them employing questionable methods, in their efforts to lend this capital at home and abroad. I believe that we are at the threshold of a fundamental change in our popular economic thought, that in the future we are going to think less about the producer and more about the consumer. Do what we may have to do to inject life into our ailing economic order, we cannot make it endure for long unless we can bring about a wiser, more equitable distribution of the national income.”
Martens: Today, the Republicans call their economic model the “trickle down theory.” I think you called it “economic royalists.” It seems pretty clear that extreme wealth concentration is irrevocably linked with busts and depressions, so where did this dangerous theory originate?
FDR: “There are two ways of viewing the Government's duty in matters affecting economic and social life. The first sees to it that a favored few are helped and hopes that some of their prosperity will leak through, sift through, to labor, to the farmer, to the small business man. That theory belongs to the party of Toryism, and I had hoped that most of the Tories left this country in 1776. But it is not and never will be the theory of the Democratic Party… Yes, the people of this country want a genuine choice this year, not a choice between two names for the same reactionary doctrine. Ours must be a party of liberal thought, of planned action, of enlightened international outlook, and of the greatest good to the greatest number of our citizens.”
Martens: We’re just beginning to look upon our current era as two, interrelated, institutionalized wealth transfer mechanisms. One at the corporate level where the A+B theorem actually became the A+B+C theorem. That is, A was worker wages; B was raw material and all other production costs; and C was this obscene level of executive compensation which was frequently based on an earnings mirage crafted through secret off-balance-sheet debt concoctions, custom tailored by Wall Street firms. The worker had to pay for A+B+C when they bought the product or service of that company even though C was really just a wealth transfer with no value added to the product or service. Then we had Wall Street asset-stripping through excessive fees and commissions and churning everything else the worker owned from 401(k)s to bank deposits to home mortgages to annuities to their kids’ college tuition accounts; not to mention usury fees on credit cards. Going into debt on credit cards was often out of necessity to survive because wages, component A above, was not adequate to pay for components B+C. How does this compare to the late 20s and 30s?
FDR: “In the years before 1929 we know that this country had completed a vast cycle of building and inflation…Now it is worth remembering, and the cold figures of finance prove it, that during that time there was little or no drop in the prices that the consumer had to pay, although those same figures proved that the cost of production fell very greatly; corporate profit resulting from this period was enormous; at the same time little of that profit was devoted to the reduction of prices. The consumer was forgotten. Very little of it went into increased wages; the worker was forgotten, and by no means an adequate proportion was even paid out in dividends--the stockholder was forgotten. And, incidentally, very little of it was taken by taxation to the beneficent Government of those years. What was the result? Enormous corporate surpluses piled up-- the most stupendous in history. Where, under the spell of delirious speculation, did those surpluses go? Let us talk economics that the figures prove and that we can understand. Why, they went chiefly in two directions: first, into new and unnecessary plants which now stand stark and idle; and second, into the call-money market of Wall Street, either directly by the corporations, or indirectly through the banks. Those are the facts. Why blink at them? Then came the crash. You know the story. Surpluses invested in unnecessary plants became idle. Men lost their jobs; purchasing power dried up; banks became frightened and started calling loans. Those who had money were afraid to part with it. Credit contracted. Industry stopped. Commerce declined, and unemployment mounted. And there we are today.”
Martens: While most attention today is focused on fraud in the issuance of debt securities, another problem impacting job creation is that the investment banks that are responsible for identifying and bringing to public market the innovative businesses that will lead our country forward, create new jobs and higher standards of living, are so riddled with conflicts that we have witnessed trillions of dollars of the country’s savings vanish in flim-flam stock offerings. The NASDAQ market has lost 67 percent of its value from its peak in 2000 and hundreds of NASDAQ companies that should have never been sold to the public have seen their stocks declared worthless. How does this compare with the events leading up to the 1929 collapse and the Great Depression?
FDR: “…we cannot review carefully the history of our industrial advance without being struck with its haphazardness, the gigantic waste with which it has been accomplished, the superfluous duplication of productive facilities, the continual scrapping of still useful equipment, the tremendous mortality in industrial and commercial undertakings, the thousands of dead-end trails into which enterprise has been lured, the profligate waste of natural resources...Such controlling and directive forces as have been developed in recent years reside to a dangerous degree in groups having special interests in our economic order, interests which do not coincide with the interests of the Nation as a whole. I believe that the recent course of our history has demonstrated that, while we may utilize their expert knowledge of certain problems and the special facilities with which they are familiar, we cannot allow our economic life to be controlled by that small group of men whose chief outlook upon the social welfare is tinctured by the fact that they can make huge profits from the lending of money and the marketing of securities--an outlook which deserves the adjectives ‘selfish’ and ‘opportunist.’ ”
Martens: Today our Congress, Treasury and Federal Reserve have provided over $1.7 trillion of taxpayer money to shore up the very financial institutions whose lending and trading practices have brought the country to the brink of economic collapse. Most of these firms are the very ones that created complex securities that bundled together thousands of residential mortgages, leveraged the investment, and then sold it in tranches (pieces) to investors. These are the instruments that are blowing up like land mines all around the globe (Collateralized Debt Obligations/CDOs). But because these mortgages are bundled together and contractually linked as a group investment, our government appears reticent to interfere with private contracts or the rights of the investors who either bought these investments or made contrary bets against them (Credit Default Swaps/CDS). As a result, millions of Americans are seeing their homes foreclosed on because they can’t obtain mortgage relief. What would be your thoughts in this regard?
FDR: “Never in history have the interests of all the people been so united in a single economic problem. Picture to yourself, for instance, the great groups of property owned by millions of our citizens, represented by credits issued in the form of bonds and mortgages--Government bonds of all kinds, Federal, State, county, municipal; bonds of industrial companies, of utility companies; mortgages on real estate in farms and cities, and finally the vast investments of the Nation in the railroads. What is the measure of the security of each of those groups? We know well that in our complicated, interrelated credit structure if any one of these credit groups collapses they may all collapse. Danger to one is danger to all.”
Martens: We spoke earlier about concentrated wealth and income inequality. But we also have the same concentrated industrial power that you had in the late 20s and 30s. Can you speak to that?
FDR: “Appraising the situation in the bitter dawn of a cold morning after, what do we find? We find two-thirds of American industry concentrated in a few hundred corporations…We find more than half of the savings of the country invested in corporate stocks and bonds, and made the sport of the American stock market. We find fewer than three dozen private banking houses, and stock-selling adjuncts of commercial banks, directing the flow of American capital. In other words, we find concentrated economic power in a few hands…We find a great part of our working population with no chance of earning a living except by grace of this concentrated industrial machine; and we find that millions and millions of Americans are out of work, throwing upon the already burdened Government the necessity of relief…We find the Republican leaders proposing no solution except more debts, more conferences under the same bewildered leadership, more Government money in business but no Government attempt to wrestle with basic problems…I believe that our industrial and economic system is made for individual men and women, and not individual men and women for the benefit of the system.”
Martens: Thank you Mr. President.
Pam Martens worked on Wall Street for 21 years; she has no security position, long or short, in any company mentioned in this article. She writes on public interest issues from New Hampshire. She can be reached at pamk741@aol.com

Poor Michelle Bachmann

No, I really mean poor, negative cash flow, no more Money for ads-POOR!

Those nasty big boys in the RNC took all of her ad money away just because she was possessed by and channelled the evil spirit of Joe McCarthy, through her pretty little lipsticked, right-wing, mouth...

Poor big-eyed, dingbat Barbie doll, fascist!!! NO MO' ' $$$'s for you!

Can you spell Elwin Tinklenberg? I smell a burn comin on...

I'm puttin'my heels on and takin my "socialist" gloves off!

Oh Sarah Palin...Oh Michelle Bachmann... I may not live in the right, real part of America...I might not ride snowmobiles or own 6 guns or 7 houses...

I might not have gotten pregnant and quickie married to remedy that...I do not play the Flute or even myself on SNL...I have not married a gayish man who dresses me like a human Barbie, then watched silently as he denies his genetics and then shames all who are not ashamed to be gay...

I have not bullied my way to power thru the PTA/Hockey Mom thing (tho I could have...)

I have not publically groped George Bush as he walked past me in the aisle, nor would I ask for a media investigation of anyone in the house or senate who disagrees with me...

I guess I'm just one fucking big failure as an American woman...but ladies, hear this: My standards are a little different...Let's start with your own gender-sterotypical selves...

My high-heels are sexier than yours.
My boobs are bigger.
My brain is more developed.
And get this...I actually have a heart...a real live bleeding liberal, kind and compassionate one...I have a heart...neither of you seem to.

Maybe you can buy one at Walmart. I hear they are super cheap there.

Ghostbusters, where are you?

enraged ...scared...ashamed....voting!


I have my holywater, I have my bible, I am calling in the priests to exorcise the demons, the ghosts...I will be a ghost buster for Obama...


I was watching Chris Mathews" on Hardball, and who should appear as a guest? Minnesota's own Michelle Bachman..you know, the goofy, right wing from the Stillwater district. I decided to listen, even tho she is usually so inane I go nuts.

SHE WAS RIVETING...in all of the wrong ways. I watched Mathews face go grey, then sad, as she "Palined" the hell out of the interview. But, she went beyond Pailn to channel the cold and hateful spirit of Senator Joe McCarthy, the witch hunting, commie hating, anti-semitefrom the 50's.

She called Obama a terrorist, repeatedly...she repeated all of McCain and Palin's lies again and again...she called all democrats in the house asnd senate," left leaning liberals, said many of them "pal around" with anti-patriotic terrorists. She warned him that the country was rife with lefties, liberals and terrorists like Ayres...most democratic voters would choose to pal around with that type...She assured us that despite facts to the contrary, Obama did begin his campaign in a terrorists living room and she personally knew thst to be a fact...Policy wise, she insinuated that Obama would kill babies before they were born, poison young minds with a left-leaning education system, lead this counrty into a place where true patriots would suffer.

I saw Joe McCarthy...I saw narrow minded hatred, racism, bare-bone stupidity, butmostly I saw in her a McCarthy-like arrogance...a belief that she and her like minded flag waving, creationist patriots are the only "right" ones in this country. I saw how fear used to drive deep gulfs between political parties goes too far...incites vioence

Chris Mathews ended the interview, looking sick...he said that he had never met her before , he saw how that kind of mindset was dangerous, inflammatory, the pundit who followed said she was so shocked by the Bachmann rant, that she could barely breath. She dissectedher hateful right wing crap and then Pat Buchanan, said how much he liked Bachman's points ...you just have to watch the whole ghost of McCarthy thing for yourself...it was as good as any college level history/sociology class I ever sat in ...

george will stole my line! wtf?

So, the night after the RNC convention started, I pegged that Palin biatch as Sancho Panza...the illiterate side kick to Don McQuixote...delusional, hallucinatory, crazy...tilting at any and all things liberal and measures; hateful racist, right-leaning raptured, evangelical myth monger...what? pointing at those non-critical economic windmills, showing how she stopped those bridges to nowhere, tilting at "that one", with racism and ignorance as their swords, hatred and blindness their steeds...

SO....

Dear Mr. Will,

You stole my best line...MY BEST FUCKING GENIUS LINE...
MY ANALOGY...JEZUZ...YOU STOLE MY BRILLIANT THUNDER.
AND, HERE'S WHY! IT HURTS SO MUCH; MY PERSONAL HERO, KEITH OLBERMAN, READ IT IN YOUR COLUMN AND SAID YOU HIT A HOME RUN WITH THAT LINE...my genius genius line/analogy

So, will you just tell him that I said it first? If so, I'll forgive you your conservative republican schtick...

Stop the McSanity

After the "debate" I realized that we need to channel the forces of altruism, the spirit of the greatest generation...read your history, grasshoppers...we will need to set out minds to the future. Like FDR after 1929, we will need to believe in hope. We will have to put people back to work. We will have to dare to dream of a country can suck it up and do. We also will have to stop expecting that with this economic meltdown, we will not have to change our lifestyles..
Grow your victory garden next spring. Stop charging everything. Buy generic.

Buy less. Need less. Want less. Love what you have and re-use what you can.


None of this happens if you do not vote for the future...if you do not vote. I know that people think politicians are all lousy and dirty. Still, even if you believe that, you have to see the difference between blatant racists and greedy de-regulation liars and those who just might disappoint because they are not perfect. Who the fuck is? Are you? I am so far from perfect it is scary...

The belief, espoused by george w bush after 9/11 that we could shop our way out of this tragedy, is legs up in the ditch...

We will need to learn sacrifice, sacrifice like during WWII...

We will have to call liars, liars. Thiefs, thiefs.


By the way...does McCain not remember that he has a lobbyist from Freddie Mac as an advisor? Does he not remember the Keating 5 and it's 3.4 billion dollar bailout? Does he not understand basic math re taxes? Or is he just a desperate liar who will sell us down the river to win?

I am tired, sooooo tired, of McCain using fear to win. From this day on, my name is Mary "Hussein" Cassidy. I say to all of you who are tired, who want to believe....take your stand and change your middle name to Hussein, too. Fuck you MCCPAIN! You are nothing more than an OLD, out of touch fear-monger. Racist? Idiot? Liar...See just how far and low the mighty have fallen....

And to you, Sarah Palin, I say this: " I got my heels on and my gloves off." You are shameless and a liar. Take my stillettos on your instep, biatch...Bring on those fucking, SO NOT come fuck me heels...Mine are ready AND SAY THIS... JUST TRY TO FUCK ME OVER...HA!

justsomemusings

I am amused by my ability to feel confused about almost everything again...That so many things are still so uncertain at my age is striking! I laugh... I remember age 15...I feel as if I have been thrown back there, emotionally. The butterflies, the stumble-tongue syndrom, the clumsy stance...oh to relax and just trust that what is meant to be will find it's way.

To learn to live in the moment, to enjoy a good conversation, a good movie...to learn to aim a pistol and feel the impact of a bb to tin...to laugh at and recognize the same silliness, to toss a dart in a friendly match and revel in a rare target achieved...simple joys.

A masculine hand on the small of my back...a firm hug...a leaning into eachother while talking...these are still as delicious as they were all those years ago.

Do these things need to lead to more? Maybe. Then again, maybe not. Still I miss an arm around me in my sleep. I miss the intimacy of a leg wrapped around mine as we watch tv or listen to music. I miss the sound of a heartbeat when I lay my head on a chest...ahhh touch....so so healing.

going negative...SURPRISE!

Trash trumps substance, or so they think...what if we, as the voting public, are actually so much smarter than the RNC thinks and refuse to sink to the lowest level.

According to a recent conservative poll, Barak is now up by 90 electoral college votes, and one of McCain's campaign managers poses the dilemna..., "if we continue to talk about the economy, we are finished."

So then, what does mccain feel he has to lose, beside the election...his imagination is limited. His understanding of the middle class or god forbid, the poor, is non-existent. His moral compass is skewed, his idea of truth is distorted by his own need to win at any cost....left with no vision for the future, he will lie, distort, smear, dredge up the fake terrorist links in a blatantly racist manner.

I need to believe, like Abraham Lincoln, that sometimes as a group of regular citizens, we still have the capacity to believe in and act on the angels of our better nature...meaning we choose the high road and turn a deaf ear to the lies and smears, focusing instead on the real issues that plague our nation. I predict that we choose not to go negative! I believe the voters will choose to vote against hate and bigotry and ignorance.

For those who say Barak is the same as McCain...do not delude yourself.

There are good men and there are mediocre and there are bad. Sometimes the choice is subtle, only between almost monochromatic shades of gray. Other times it is in full spectrum white to black.

Obama is human and therefore imperfect. As a politician he is relatively new. But, he is smart. He shows the ability to be measured and thoughtful. He shows compassion...Do not paint him with the mcpain brush, To do so is blind and almost foolish. Would you put Churchill and Hitler in a box and say they were interchangeable?...only if you were blind and deaf and unwilling to look at their behaviors .

The differences ARE that stark in this election...do not suppose that they aren't.

I dare you...Think. It's patriotic.

Dissent, but do not be stupid...there are enormous differences. Do your homework. It will matter on November 4th. To all of us.

november, bloody november

Current mood: I am so so anxious


Do any of us reach the finish line in this election unspattered...unbloodied?
I watch tv, the ugly ads in absolute dismay. I am furious and disgusted by the mean-spirited attacks by Mcpain and by the DNC and Obama's forced response to them...

I think these are ugly times due to Bush and his cronies. Hate and greed have ruled a once good country too long. I wonder if we can close the Panora's box of hate and ugly. I wonder if the vicious lies have already broken us too deeply. I wonder if the decade of economic piracy by "in-their-pocket" politicians who allowed big corporations to literally write their own laws, also raided the ability to hope and correct this rudderless government. I want us, as a country, to be good again. I want us, as a nation to mean something honorable again.

Obama sure as hell can't do it alone. Nor can congress or the senate. It has to be all of us. It has to be the second coming of the "greatest generation." This time it won't be the Nazi's we fight...tis time it is complacency.

Fuckin fight, America. Stand for something honorable and good and true. Please.

oh my foolish heart

It is so odd and wonderful to feel life fully again...in the midst of this historical election; in the midst of this economic meltdown; in the midst of trying to keep my business alive; in the midst of missing my daughter, I have re-discovered my heart and its' capacity to feel. I love someone. I love again.

Does it matter that he loves me in return. Yes! Does it matter that I hold my breath waiting or him to act, since I have blurted out my feelings? Yes. Will I dare to act again if he is frozen? Yes. Do I want him to say again that he loves me? Yes.

Let there be some god...even a lesser one, who believes I am worthy of his love. Let there be a god who gives him the courage to speak his heart.
Let me know the truth in his...even if it hurts.

Most of all...I am amazed that I can love again. Thank you to those gods, or my own heart, for having the courage to beat and hope and dare. Let that courage drive his heart too!

Dare Obama man, i would never ever hurt you. I know that we are an odd match...odd... but, I think, mutually healing. Love me back...you said you do, but, you we were silly that night.
Dare to say it, again...

Ask me about my true heart, and we will see.
Slante

read this ... fact vs. spin.

10 things that need to be known.

10 things you should know about John McCain (but probably don't):

1. John McCain voted against establishing a national holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Now he says his position has "evolved," yet he's continued to oppose key civil rights laws.

2. According to Bloomberg News, McCain is more hawkish than Bush on Iraq, Russia, and China. Conservative columnist Pat Buchanan says McCain "will make Cheney look like Gandhi."

3. His reputation is built on his opposition to torture, but McCain voted against a bill to ban waterboarding, and then applauded President Bush for vetoing that ban.

4. McCain opposes a woman's right to choose. He said, "I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned."

5. The Children's Defense Fund rated McCain as the worst senator in Congress for children. He voted against the children's health care bill last year, then defended Bush's veto of the bill.

6. He's one of the richest people in a Senate filled with millionaires. The Associated Press reports he and his wife own at least eight homes! Yet McCain says the solution to the housing crisis is for people facing foreclosure to get a "second job" and skip their vacations.

7. Many of McCain's fellow Republican senators say he's too reckless to be commander in chief. One Republican senator said: "The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He's erratic. He's hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me."

8. McCain talks a lot about taking on special interests, but his campaign manager and top advisers are actually lobbyists. The government watchdog group Public Citizen says McCain has 59 lobbyists raising money for his campaign, more than any of the other presidential candidates.

9. McCain has sought closer ties to the extreme religious right in recent years. The pastor McCain calls his "spiritual guide," Rod Parsley, believes America's founding mission is to destroy Islam, which he calls a "false religion." McCain sought the political support of right-wing preacher John Hagee, who believes Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for gay rights and called the Catholic Church "the Antichrist" and a "false cult."

10. He positions himself as pro-environment, but he scored a 0—yes, zero—from the League of Conservation Voters last year.

John McCain is not who the Washington press corps make him out to be. Please help get the word out—forward this email to your personal network.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE RIGHT WING?

FUCK THE BOUNCE FROM THE RNC...
RACIST, RICH, OR JUST PLAIN DEAF MEN AND WOMEN LISTENED TO THAT BARACUDA WITH TITS AND DIDN'T HEAR A GDD-DAMNED THING SHE SAID...

IS THE ART OF ACTUALLY HEARING WORDS, NOT JUST LOOKING AT THE VIDEO SCREEN, LOST?
THIS IS WHAT THEY DIDN'T HEAR WHILE THEY WERE LOOKING AT HER SNAPPY PEARLS AND SPUNKY, SNIDE DELIVERY:


SHE WILL CONTINUE THE BUSH AGENDA OF DISMANTLING THE CONSTITUTION.

SHE WILL SPEND US INTO THIRD WORLD STATUS IN THE NEVER-ENDING WAR.

SHER WILL PROTECT THE RICH AND SCREW THE MIDDLE CLASS....FORGET ABOUT SOCIAL SERVICES OR SAFETY NETS

SHE WILL UNDO THE FEW LAWS WE DO HAVE TO PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT.

SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING OR GLOBAL POLITICS/(DIPLOMACY IS FOR THE WEAK).

SHE WILL TAKE AWAY WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS, UNDO PLANNED PARENTHOOD AND STOP SEX-ED IN OUR SCHOOLS...ABSTINENCE WORKED SOOOOOO WELL FOR HER DAUGHTER, DIDN'T IT....

SHE WILL ENDORSE THE TEACHING OF CREATIONISM,, NOT SCIENCE TO YOUR KIDS.

AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS, AND YOU FUCKING DARE TO DISAGREE OR IGNORE HER MANDATES, SHE WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!!!!!

SHE WILL, SHE HAS, SHE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK..

ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING?

REALLY.

I DOUBLE DARE YOU TO FIRE ME, SARAH PALIN,

I DOUBLE DARE YOU TO FIRE ME, SARAH PALIN,...i do!
I know this is long,, but READ it anyway, you lazy, a-political thing! It's so so important!!!

Note: see my blog about my new political party, the B and O PARTY...(BREAST AND OVARIES) IF SHE CAN BE VEEP, ANYONE WITH TITS AND OVARIES CAN. .JOIN ME,IN FORMING THIS NEW POLITICAL PARTY, PLZ!!! WORKING ON PLATFORM CURRENTLY, AND LOOKING FOR INPUT,,,(unlike Mrs. Palin)...

About Sarah Palin: A Letter From Anne Kilkenny
Sep 3, 2008

What follows is an open letter written by a resident of Wasilla, Alaska named Anne Kilkenny.



I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child’s favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the residents of the city.



She is enormously popular; in every way she’s like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and won’t vote for her can’t quit smiling when talking about her because she is a “babe”.



It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents for seven months. She is “pro-life”. She recently gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby. There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby. She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.



She is savvy. She doesn’t take positions; she just “puts things out there” and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit. Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin’s kind of job is highly sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything like that of native Alaskans. Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters. She’s smart.



Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents. During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had given rise to a recall campaign.



Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a “fiscal conservative”. During her 6 years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.



The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration weren’t enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece of property that the City didn’t even have clear title to, that was still in litigation 7 yrs later–to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.



While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once. These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city. As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state.



In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today’s surplus, borrow for needs.



She’s not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideasor compromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren’t generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren’t evaluated on their merits, but on the basis of who proposed them.



While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin’s attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.



Sarah complained about the “old boy’s club” when she first ran for Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of “old boys”. Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal–loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the case of pressuring the State’s top cop (see below).



As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla’s Police Chief because he “intimidated” her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska’s top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it’s pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn’t fire her sister’s ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.



She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn’t like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.



Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.



When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job.



In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the “old boys’ club” when she dramatically quit, exposing this man’s ethics violations (for which he was fined).



As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the “bridge to nowhere” after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.



As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects–which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance–but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as “anti-pork”.



She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.



Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah.



They call her “Sarah Barracuda” because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah’s mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.



As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as “AGIA” that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.



Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked toglobal warming. She campaigned “as a private citizen” against a state initiaitive that would have either a) protected salmon streams from pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State’s lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior’s decision to list polar bears as threatened species.



McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being President. There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she. However, there’s a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.



CLAIM VS FACT

•“Hockey mom”: true for a few years
•“PTA mom”: true years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since
•“NRA supporter”: absolutely true
•social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconsitutional).


•pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to promote it.


•“Pro-life”: mixed.

Knowingly gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation
•“Experienced”: Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.


•political maverick: not at all
•gutsy: absolutely!
•open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.


•has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
•”a Greenie”: no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.


•fiscal conservative: not by my definition!
•pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.


•pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents
•pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla’s history.


•pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union doesn’t make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.



WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny + Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.



Secondly, I’ve always operated in the belief that “Bad things happen when good people stay silent”. Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.



Third, I am just a housewife. I don’t have a job she can bump me out of. I don’t belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehow in the future: that’s life.



Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah’s attempt at censorship.



Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.



CAVEATS

I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor) from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of Wasilla, and I can’t recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall–they are swamped. So I can’t verify my numbers.



You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my “about 5,000″, up to 9,000. The day Palin’s selection was announced a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90’s.

"The truest form of patriotism is dissent." thomas jefferson

LENNY BRUCE ONCE SAID, " IF YOU TAKE AWAY MY RIGHT TO SAY FUCK, YOU TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHT TO SAY FUCK THE GOVERNMENT.
"


It is with great pride that I listen to continuing reports of average citizens daring to dissent and to stand in witness against the policies of the Bush administration. Shame on you Pawlenty for your heavy handed response to peaceful dissent.
What are you so afaid of?

What a POWERFUL visual: The Veteran's Against the War , group standing in full military dress nose to nose and boot to boot against the Swat teams( put in place as an extreme overreaction by the sity, state and feds) made me cry.


I believe in our right to dissent. I believe in the right to gather in groups to protest peacefully. I believe in the right to speak our minds.



The anarchists diminish the power of that watch. Violence only gives the RNC power...I SAY, NEVER GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER. EVER.

Is this McCain/Pahlin for fucking Real

INSULTED and ANGRY:

I might have been bemused, ideallogically disabused, or just plain amused by the notion that the republicans would pick a woman as McCain's running mate in a blatant attempt to capture the disgruntled Hillary supporters, especially had they picked a serious candidate...
(oh that fractured glass ceiling, and it's18 million shards!!!)

Instead, I am insulted by the selection! A right wing, pro-life, anti sex-education, pristine coastal pro oil-drilling, gold mine owning, no such thing as global warming, kill all the endangered species in Alaska, nasal toned prima-donna in bad suitsand worse shoes, and under federal investigation for her part in the firing of her ex bro-in-law state trooper who dared to want custody(partial) of his own kids....

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE, AS WOMEN, ARE, MCCAIN?!!!! DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THERE ARE 18 MILLION FEMALE IDIOTS WHO WILL VOTE FOR YOU ON THE BASIS OF HER VAGINA AND BREASTS? DO YOU THINK WE DO NOT LOVE OUR COUNTRY? OUR SHORELINES? OUR SPECIES? OUR RIGHT TO CONTROL OUR OWN PROCREATION CHOICES? OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM? THE FUCKING ECONOMY? AND MOST OF ALL YOU FUCKING FAILURE OF A WAR?

GO TO HELL YOU PANDERING OLD FOOL. YOU ARE THE PERSONIFICATION OF WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR COUNTRY'S LEADERSHIP...YOU ARE BUSH/CHENEY III...YOU ARE A BLIND SELF-ABSORBED MAN WHO CAN'T SEE PAST THE FLAG YOU HAVE DRAPED OVER YOUR EYES...
GO TO HELL YOU PANDERING FOOL. I HOPE YOU LOSE THIS ELECTION BY A LANDSLIDE....

AND, YOU CAN TAKE HER FEMALE ANATOMY AND STUFF THAT TOO!

I am listening to my favorite republican theme song...listen to it too!
Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole
By Martha Wainwright
Release date: 2005-01-25

Breakin glass...

Calling all female politicos..and of course the people who love them...

Let us this day, start a new party, based not on issues or platforms, but on female anatomy...

Let us base this new party on one single(okay, technically two) qualification: breasts and ovaries...do we have them and will they be attractive enough to lure voters?

Let us declare bad suits and homely sturdy shoes the uniform of the party...
( we can begin to think of our logo based on pretty shards of glass...

Question! Does it matter if we care about the war, the economy, the constitution, education, the environment? I posit that that would be dangerous to the development of the Party...too controversial?

Observation: McCain's selection seems to make ethics, constitution, war environment, health care, economy and educatio, among other things, inconsequential...

As a new party, do we want to follow suit? or, just the bad suit?

Breasts and Ovaries, Unite!

I don't think the B. and O.
name is quite right,,,suggestions?

Thanks for your time...
Mary, 34D, double ovaried
Founder and Mother

last time

Friday night, my daughter invited her dad to her goodbye party at my house. With the ugly mediation only 3 days past, it was something that was so raw and painful that I felt sick..during the court ordered mediation...after being forced to be tested, of hiding business worth, being audited, accused by him oflaziness, of not working more than three days a week, accused of not knowing how much my employees were stealing...fuck all of that hate from him, then the saying to the girls and to the mediator how much he loved the shop and how he wants it to succeed, how he would just be sick if I couldn't stay in the house... he did every thing he could to make all of that almost impossible to do...

His final tirade before being cautioned to stop by the mediator was about how sick he was of carrying me... the mediator interrupted him to tell him to consider his trash talk as a burning of any remaining thread or bridge of hope for any future friendship between us.. to stop for the sake of our daughters...

It was too late. I didn't say it out loud. But I looked the mediator in the eye and I he knew .. I did appreciated his support against Ed's crap.
Of course, the girls don't know 90% of his legal manuevering shit, about his betrayals.. and I can't tell them it...

I tell them to love their dad, and I mean it.
If I tell them all, it puts them in a terrible place. If I answer his bullshit,"she's crazy", I hurt them with truth...

But, by not doing so, it leaves me in a terrible place. I am so tired of "Poor dad," coming out of their mouths. I honestly don't think they have ever for one second considered the emotional carnage he has wrought on me over the years...it's about them and Poor Dad, always...I wish them insight and compassion, for me just once... at some point.

So, Friday was the last night I will allow them to invite my ex into my home. He can have his relationship with them elsewhere. Not here. Not again. It was pathetic to see him pretend to fix all of the things he never fucking cared about fixing when he lived here. The "show, was classic public Ed." Always the glad hand without real connect...Always the need to protect his face and ass in public. Enough of that. No more!

I will fix all the broken things that never were important to you. I will say no more to your glad hand and pretend game...not on my turf. Pretend and bullshit all you want, but not here. Ever.

A SAD TOAST TO BRIDGES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED...TOO TOO LATE...
SLANTE

the world's wide open... the sky is the limit...

I have been signed, sealed and finally delivered...so what next?

What do I feel?
Peace, oddly enough, a little fear, but that feels so good at the pit of my stomach...I feel so alive and vital and curious again.
Where do I head?
To a new life that is mysterious and so wide open...It feels like hang-gliding...leaping off a high cliff and letting the wind lift you and soar you on currents while you see the beauty beneath you and the sky above...
What do I want?
I want to taste my new life...to bite in and savor it. I want to believe in my ability to be alone and succeed on my terms. I want to travel, to sing, to laugh, to learn.
What scares me?
Spiders and a bad economy. Oh, and maybe being naked in a room again with someone...Yikes
Who do I love now?
My daughters and my family and friends...may they really see who I am now and love me for that.
When will I dare to connect again?
Not sure...so many interesting options out there. It's so new and I am so different now in many ways...and I laugh at how stupid I am about how that all works, but I do know for sure that I will trust my heart and body to lead me.

So, I'm taking a deep breath. I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am leaping into the wind with my self as my parachute...

The Grand Finale: the ending is also the beginning....sweet

Mediation:
So mundane, so predictable really...My best friend J says that the best predictor of future behaviors are past behaviors....damn you J, you ARE one smart fella!


I knew going in tothe mediation session that I was worth nothing in my exes' eyes....always was that way...

I sat and listened as he spewed bullshit about how amazingly fabulous, generous, smart, skilled and ethical I am, then, he said .."see, she doesn't need me to pay her much in settlement...she can make her own money..I don't think I should have to carry her on my back"...lol

You are damned predictable sir...so, I signed off...but here's the deal. I carried you for decades...I cared for your dying, I worked so you could study and be so special that normal rules didn't apply to you, I pretended I was blind to your betrayals so that you never had to choose, never had to decide. I raised our daughters, always afraid that they'd end up like me, taking it...

So here's the funny thing. I don't care that you gaveme the absolute least amount possible.I will do just fine. In fact, I think I will soar now that I am not carrying you.
I think the disservice I did to myself and my daughters, the shitty example I set by staying too long will somewhat be undone by the new me.

p.s. not that it matters, but after I tossed you out (.i love the predictor of future behavior that cued me in to what this whole process would be like) you promised to do a collaborative divorce and then while I was moving our daughter, you went to a lawyer, hid it and lied on the legal document and said that you had decided to leave me ...all about pretense and pretend...saving face, pretending and covering your ass are what you were always about in our relationship. Now, it no longer matters...

be happy, if you know how to do that...I will be...already am. Watch out for karma tho...it is a bitch...

4 for you, 1 for me....ah that's so you...

To date or not to date; that is the not question

Have a mad crush on a man who is probably too young for me. I laugh when I see that on paper tho cuz my heart and spirit have never been younger or more true...

I'm not sure how he feels in return...he IS an enigma...I kinda like that tho, confusing as it is. Mute point tho, cuz no matter what he feels, I can't read it.!!!!!.. I know also, that I love him as a friend and I won't wreck that. He is honest, kind, has developed a love for gardens, and works as hard as anyone I know. He loves warm beautiful colors and dares to use them...that is wonderful cuz he doesn't care that others don't get the beauty...
I am afraid that these days I don't know the difference between what I want and what is real. Why not believe he could be attracted tho...that he could feel it too???.. Many other young men in their 30's chase me...let me know they find me attractive. Sometimes I wonder if they all have some "Mrs Robinson, kookoo ka choo" nuttiness going on? Have they all really seen the Graduate? They are damned slick and smooth tho...some even sincere... flirting, the double entendres, the soft touches of their hands on my shoulder or arm, their hands resting in the small of my back...so sweet, so freaky... but it only leaves me feeling lonely and missing intimacy more...It's funny sometimes, flattering sometimes, and, sometimes it seems, just so pointless...we always end up talking, talking, laughing and I end up as their mother-figure which in the end, seems safe and sweet and oh so appropriate...lol...no cougar instincts after all...or if they are there, I kill them like a bad litter...

I know that I am ready to dare to care again...to share my life and laughter with someone who appreciates it. I am seeing that I am old-fashioned, lonely. Not to say that my family and friends don't make my life rich beyond words...they are so wonderful. I am so so so so lucky. But, they are not a love, a soul-mate. So, I guess I will stop waiting for the sky to open and the man in question to dare to care..

So, then that is the question; how does a gal find a real date in this crazy world? I mean a date worth having!

It is time...the divorce is almost final...and, I finally truly feel free. Sweet thing, that feeling!
Slante

kitchens and confessions

I am painting my kitchen walls "smoldering red", my cabinets a "midnight grey"...

I am contemplating how apt those color choices really are.

...Something in me is smoldering...not in a bad way. It's as if the flame that lights one's soul dies down and barely holds heat during crisis times: death, divorce, loss of faith in all things we once held to be true...it gets so cold and that smolder of ash barely makes it...

Then, if we are lucky, a breeze comes along and fans that dying heat back to flame...
Forgive the bad metaphors, but a bunch of breezes have saved my ash( god how I love bad puns!)
My dearest friend and art buddy's faith in me, gives me faith in myself...he sees me as bold and brave and I will try to prove him right!!! I will dare to choose red...

So, "smoldering red" it is...all over my walls, all over my heart...I was afraid to choose it but a friend told me that it IS me, and damn it, I think he is right. So I will smolder and smile at the bold choice...

As for the midnight grey...well, sometimes the dark makes the flame seem even brighter...midnight is a time where we dare to dream...grey is the color of my hair streak, a reminder that life is short and DO NOT waste even one minute of it...

So, in a week or two, it will be finished...bold, sleek, dark and beautiful. I hope to be the same...
Slante

Guns and Underpants...all in one day

All my life I have been terrified of guns...dad was a hunter and carried a Glock for self-defense and I had a re-occurring dream where I'd pick one up and shoot myself or him or sibling, or someone else...all leading to mayhem, carnage, scary bad things..

Today I went to a shooting range with a friend who taught me safety, how to load, unload, aim, shoot, balance, proper grip, stance...it was oddly non-eventful as far as the expected panic that never came...

It was zen like...keep one eye closed, keep arms relaxed but firm at shoulder height, aim, breath in pull trigger and breath out...Considering I forgot my glasses...Igot almost all X's, 9'sand 7-8's. I did not panic, remanined focused...controlled, and felt a sense of immediate gratification when I saw the shots grouped so close.

It all seems so odd tho, cuz it seems so not me to shoot anything!!! even a paper target. Not so sure I'd go again, but it made me want to pick up a bow and arrow again. Used to love the skill and strength needed for archery... I think the more obvious sense of sportsmanship regarding that is more appealing..
What did I learn?
1) You can understand and conquor old fears.
2)You can teach an old dog new tricks..
3) I'm a damned good shot!

Now, a shower, a put on pretty clothes and daainty shoes and off to the Ritz for the Lili's Burlesque Underpants Show ...Never have been afraid of underpants...just looking forward to the laughs, the music and the attitude...damn I love those ladies.
Proud that the reviews have been amazing across the board...from the City Pages to the Pioneer Press to Public Radio...the" art farts"from the local theatre crowd finally get it!

Amen

Cheers ladies!

Two J's not one but 2, in one lucky woman's life!

How did I ever get so lucky? I have two friends named J that I am so grateful for...I love them. They are so different and so alike at the same time. How simple a statement. I love them... How complicated. They fill my life with something I never knew In could feel again....trust, faith, hope, laughter, humor...a gift of love and trust so pure and so important that I don't know how to express what it means...

I felt for a while now that my time in this life had been some terrible joke, it's a long, fricking crazy story...very long and crazy...(except for my daughters) Then the long and never ending divorce has left me so tired, so over-fired...made me see how I'd lost my desire..Now, finally as I come back to life, I see how much I truly miss that part of my physical and spiritual self...

Then, god bless her, there is Mom...my mother of god and gloom, guilt-ridden cuz of my birth, here in my home every week, supportive but confused. I hate that there is No privacy now...on any given week... after a year of loving my alone time, it is hard to figure out my wants and needs...

No more the luxury of simply feeling my way in the dark...after finally learning to appreciate the sense of ME for the first ime in my life...and wanting to be able to move out from under the years of sad..The new me had emerged finally, and is frozen again. Here I am, a woman no longer able to pretend, with the new goal of trying to do everything in true... around mom, around my shyness...yes I said shynesS.....It made me wonder, DOES ANYONE REALLY GET THE NEW ME? DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE PROCESS I WENT THRU TO discover ALL OF THAT???

Then, miracle of all miracles, I saw how THE J'S got it!!! Totally! Each in his own way...

SO, I SAY THIS TO THE WORLD..HOW SWEET AND HOW LUCKY TO KNOW AND LOVE THEM BOTH...loved so totally and firecely...

My dear art J...you are my own dark brother... my heart and yours are one...sweet sad brother...I love you and only want you to find peace and love..I want you to be able to believe that those who love you will NOT LEAVE YOU...I am here. Always!

The other J....I think of you, as first I met you, as Obama man...upright, ethical, endearing! I love that you are driven by the machine in your head... you are loved as a new friend, you confuse my heart tho...making me wish I had met you earlier and that I was ten years younger...so so silly me...if wishes were horses, beggars would fly...Time spent with you makes me happy. just damned happy. I believe in good men again cuz of you. Thank you thank you for that. So, I have decided not to be crazy, to be grateful for friendship cuz I could NOT, for my life, hurt you, not ever! ...or confuse your friendship with my own wants and issues...what do I have to offer anyway...broken body,( but not a broken soul...that's fixed... alleluia!)
I am just happy that you both see the pilgrim soul in me, and I see both of yours, ethical, kind, just...and in this life, that is enough.

Love you both...

tossing the past into the bin, we grab the present

My dearest art friend asked me why he held onto everything, good and bad, from his past...."Does it help you understand your life?', I asked.
"No, it just sits there. I can't look at it," he answered. "Maybe, if all else fails, and I just do my art and give up everything else, it will take me to a dark place..."

"Toss it." I said. "Throw it. It's saved in your head, heart and skin already."
I drew eyes and lips on my sketchbook page. Eyes of dead friends, lips of past lovers..

"Toss it. Live for today or tomorrow, or a year from now. You have learned anything you can learn from those old letters and journals...do you want to sort and keep the stuff that shows how you've grown, captures the knowledge you've found? How you have evolved?"

"Nah, I can't bear to go through any of it," he said.

"Toss it into the bin then! Grab onto now, the present...let the past go, and maybe, you can even think future once it's gone." I said.

I pulled my knees up to my chin and looked at the sky. It was blue. So blue and the clouds were spectacular... purest white, blackest gray...Whispy, pulling apart, floating low.

He looked up too and watched the clouds for a while. "Yeah. Time to toss it all."

Then he went back to drawing a portrait of himself, shoulders bare, eyes closed, arty and dark...his own beautiful self in black and white...and
i wondered about his dead father who took so long to die...

Run Lola Run

running to myself
Current mood: contemplative

It feels like I have been running high speed, in circles, backward, forward for years...



Last night while running after a day of work and heat, I landed in a friend's back yard at a large summer celebration...I sat and watched while listening to good music and political conversation.

I ran into an old friend. She like me, had a terrible accident that she survived. She like me, had a partner who NEVER ONCE said in the aftermath, "I'm glad you survived...I love you."

She said it made her think there has to be someone in her life who would simply say "I'm grateful you are still here with me."

Simple wishes. Simple needs. Someone who is glad for your company. Someone who is grateful for your life.

I want that. For both of us...no, for all of us.

During my life's marathon, I have experienced many highs and lows: two amazing daughters that have made the many lows palatable, many many friends who have colored my place on the planet beautifully, a business that is more a network for social interaction, thieves who stole money and trust, loved ones who betrayed love, neighbors and customers who stood up and did the right thing when it was time...over all, I see how lucky I have been...so much more than, how sad.

Stop running, Lola...see the luck...

Long hot summer

Is that an oven in my pocket or is i just f%^$* hot?


I remember nights like these, slippin out of the cabin in the dark and sneaking down to the dock,slippin out of the nightie and diving, sleak and silent into the lake...floating on my back and watching the stars for hours...95 meant nothing on those nights.

I wish my pond was deeper...

Second Un-iversary

It was my second Un-iversary yesterday...so odd after being together so long.
I have learned to love living alone, as oppossed to lonely. That is good. Sometimes tho, you just miss touch and intimate conversation...

Such a wierd wierd week or two. Met lots of fun new people, spent hilarious and serious time with family and friends...went to court with boys and they won this round..pretty sure they will win entire sad cessation of parental right trial...so wonderful/so tragic all at the same time...

Saw old friends, got hit on by old friend, ran for the hills from old friend...wierd!!!!

Now, I'm wondering IF there is someone out there who gets me and wants to figure out if there is maybe more to me that is worth exploring.

The biggest dilemna is what do I expect? Honesty, Humor, ethics: both personal and social, political curiosity, intelligence, music lover, daring, ...

Hello? Hello...is this thing on? The universe I mean...sigh.


Question is then this...just how do I meet someone in this crazy world? Bars? booze doesn't bring out the best in any of us probably...but i do laugh and love the conversations. Coffeeshop? Seems way to close to home, but there are some cool guys there, smart, political...and if it all went terribly wrong... oh hell no...

I love the interesting guys I've met, but not so sure they love me and my big mouth...besides, lately I think they are all too young...how funny tho, all the guys my age are too old mentally and socially...they lack curiosity and daring...

So, I guess i just bide my time and hope the trust that the "damned-good-man" fairy bonks me over the head someday...

it ain't over till the not so fat lady sings

today is my second un-niversary...still not over...day passed running work errands, making bad art with bff Jay, dinner with 'nother old friend...no one remembered. As dinner was ending my youngest called and asked if I was divorced yet...it made me laugh...don't think she even realized the date... I didn't even, not till mid day when a customer asked me what the date was ...I said july 16th and finished making a latte and was walking down the counter when I stopped and thought...july 16th...oh yeah.


So wierd to be un-niversaried 2 years and still un-divorced after all this time. So I came home and sat on my deck and toasted the full moon and lit candles and listened to music while making wishes on the moon for the future...

to the future...and singing a happy song...an aria perhaps?

Ladies who dare to say see me

Burlesque on a HOT HOT summer night
Such vaudevilian frickin old school fun...torch style singers:Super power belt-em out naughty Karen!, the suave tease Jasper, the Andrews sisters style harmonies and by the Ava, Nadine, Karen trio...then lots o tease and strippin.

All of the ladies are amazing...Nadine the ex-baptist, now burlesque queen emcee rocked the MN lutheranesque crowd out of it's comfort zone...The amazing Ned taught what folding chairs are really for...part gymnastic superstar, part Gene Kelly, part freak show superman...amazing new tricks for old chairs...Go superman, go!...

Sweet Pea shook it like no-one else, Ophelia Flame made me want to sit on my washer for a double spin cycle, the umbrella routine was sexy and the props amazing...volcanic burst of feathers (in blue?) made me want a rubber-ducky strip tease outfit too. Carmela the hula girl and her ukele man made me want to own my own coconut bra and hula skirt!

Sooo funny, a very very, tongue in cheek, hot show.

Jasper, the suave producer and his lady, the Divine Ballerina Burlesque Diva, Lily Verlaine, took burlesque and married it to art and classical music...amazing how completely it took me to a place I'd never visited before. Beauty and naughty all in one...so intelligent! Gina Louise and the gang showed how it ain't just a Man's world...So there James Brown.

Doll-faced Ava reminded me why I won't go camping, and then there was the so so great and bad, Funny Bunny and the "C" word routine that would make George Carlin blush...I'm still laughing and my fear of the c word is almost gone...how sweet that humaor can educate too.

I wondered as I drove home, who wouldn't love naughty on a summer nite? Last show for Sizzle was saturday nite at the Ritz...GO to the Fringe fest to see them in The Underpants Show, You will adore it! Promise.

lions and cougars and beers...oh my!

lions and cougars and beers..oh my!
Current mood: pirate
Category: amused Automotive

A pick-up complete with a stuffed half- lion is apparently the best chick magnet ever.
No foolin' Saw it with my own eyes. Sat on a perfect summer night on the 331's patio and watched the parade of beauties ready to jump...cameras in hand...into the hands of whoever owned the lion and to the arms of his wing-man too!
then, the best cougar attack of all time...no shit! "I'm a big game hunter," she said. "I'm so deadly, they make me wear a bell." Oh fuckin A., i thought now here's a game..."May I please take a picture for a friend. I wouldn't dream of just climbing in without permission."
Freud would have snapped his pencil! I sat open-mouthed, in total AWE. Doll face, R went to the truck to let her take pics...I told his friend..S. J...."Now that's a PRO cougar." I was laughing my ass of tho cuz they didn't bite. I really think R didn't see it coming, excuse the pun... Still, I wanted to bow down in admiration for the most golden approach ever, adapted to a rare and quite specific situation. Genius!!!

Gentlemen. I bow to you first, tho. You were fun, sweet, irreverent and the best company I've experienced with men in ages! I can promiseyou that I'll be dragging my tired, road-trip burnt ass to your 3rd ever freakshow with friends in tow, because
I can't imagine a better group of "soft on the inside" hard on the outside, smart-sweet asses who adore fine old rides and intelligent funnyn women.

A toast to both of you! To summer nights, laughter, hot classic cars and good conversation Slante!

May you always see a cougar coming, and may that sweet tattered half-lion get you where you want to go!

God save us from the candy-van...tho i'm excited to actually see the scary thing. Funny!

For my daughters...

For My Daughters Who Are Grown


I found my favorite photograph
of you in a red enamel box;
ages two and four, self-dressed
in aqua blue swim goggles
and twin, red-dragon kimonos
black hair floating, you turn to the camera.

You are my proof of joy,
spoons swimming mid-air;
cheerios pasted, like opals,
over your
smooth fat hands and cheeks...

At night, the accumulation of time
and loss infects adult dreams:
the sweetness of roses and cereal
redeems the taste of red wine
and remembered embraces.
Sweet, bent notes rise from your throats
hang in the air like dust,
skittering over every surface
I reach out to catch the sounds...

I ride dreams into morning
emerging
from one year to another,
my body a red container,
floating in time;
across a kitchen,
abandoned like a wound,
to the depths of a house set on a foundation
of rain and stone.
I excavate the belly of our lives...

When I awake you are there,
mercifully there
smoking thin 100 lights
reaching out now adult, graceful hands,
offering me your bread and wine;
the perfect communion
for a soul at sea.

Touch this

A friend just had a really bad break-up...She talked about how she knew it wasn't a good relationship inherently, how she was just lonely and so she hoped it would get better over time and connection. She said that she just missed touch and conversation and a "real" relationship so much, that she picked someone who in her gut she knew wasn't right...

I was sad for her. Glad she was talking about it all. I felt her ache...Then, I got stuck on the comment about touch and conversation. They are, after all ,what makes for sound development in infants. Lack of touch and stimulation is actually the leading cause of mental retardation. Odd! Remarkable! Predictable. Then, I wondered if, as adults ,it leads to emotional retardation.

Yes...I get it, her sorrow too well. I miss touch too. I miss one-on-one conversation, I miss the feel of a hand on the small of my back...that specific touch being for me, so intimate, so protective.

I posit this: Do we make bad choices just to attain that human touch? Are they bad, or just sad, maybe just lonely and misguided...? Should we be forgiving, then, for the bad choices we sometimes make out of that terrible, large, loneliness?

So, no regrets for attempts at human outreach when we are unattached and lonely...sometimes it is good... sometimes it is just touch for the short term..sometimes it is not enough.

Slante to all who are lonely.

endings need to end, so i can begin!!!

So much time to get to the end...so many roadblocks, so much legal dancing and prestidigitation...

I kept wondering why I have been so so so so tired and I realized it's because I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next bad game to begin.

Yesterday I was tired tired tired from work, I thought I would just sleep my week away. When I woke up, I was going to try to shrug the shit off my shoulders, put the dog out, sit on my deck, water my garden, crank my music, watch Countdown with mom, unfurl my scrunched brow and smile at the world that rolled out before me, because tho the legality of END is still playing like a broken record, the mary cassidy in me would BEGIN AT WAKE-UP...No more tethers to him, no more ties to broken...

When I woke up, I SAW THAT I HAVE CHOICES...I SAW HOW SILLY I WAS TO NOT HAVE REALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT. AT THE END OF NAP TIME, MARY CASSIDY BEGAN, SMART, LOUD, HAPPY, SEXY, DARING AND CURIOUS...FREE... BEGAN AGAIN

SWEET

THEN there was Good byes and bbs...target practice with a dear man... distraction from her going, a reprieve from waiting..
Life is sweet and oh so strange some weeks...The changes will be rolling in like waves...daughters, divorce, my own daring to dream...

Ironic, I think, that one daughter is coming home at last, the other leaving on her "I need to do this, to see if I can," journey...off to Colorado...beautiful they say...

Sweet and sad for me. I will think of it as an opportunity for her (and at some future point, me,) to see new parts of this country. I will rejoice in her choice and watch, long-distance, her blooming on her own terms.
I will pray to the stars, since god is probably just that, for her happiness, and not mourn her leaving.
I will remember how I left too, years ago, then returned to where home was set in my heart. All will play out as it is meant to.



Sitting with her over dinner, listening to her reasons for leaving, I thought back to my life before her and her sister or even her father. I was so ready to strike out- far away, independent of my family. I did and it was one hell of a ride...foreign travel, island home and new cultures that dug under my skin and became such an integral part of who I now am.

I did not cry. Instead, I wished her happiness and love. And then, how strange a gift, birds pecking crumbs at my feet, bringing a sweet vision of homing pigeons into my head...of her, and her sister, off to the world, with an instinct for when and how to return...driving home, the moon rose and the stars came out...all meant to be what it is.

I am at peace with it...I thought of big love, how it drives us..

I thought of me, now, and of simpler pleasures...of the things that keep me happy...like, how much I would love laying on my deck and watching the stars, or listening in the dark to the sound of water over my pond's watrfall, the joy and satisfaction of hitting a beer can with a bb gun at a friends house on a summer night...

The thought of freedom, anyone's freedom, is so pure, so sweet...
For me, that means it will be okay...even if it includes losing what I have always known as home. Yep, the trade off is no different than the daughters' daring to start new...Fuck yes, change is good.
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS! That cannot be taken away.
I have seen, finally, that I, like my daughters, can't be scared of new anymore...

What is New?:
That Mary Cassidy would bloom from my heart and from my skin, fully formed, like Athena...does that mean fully armed for self-defense? hope so...
That I would be so damned good at designing gardens for people who's idea of beauty is very different from mine? That they would love it and find peace there...
That I can hula-hoop and smoke at the same time...
That I could be so good at birthing babies?
That I could roll, like a ninja, with the punches life has thrown lately? I guess I knew but didn't trust that I did...now I do...
That I could judge a grown-up spelling bee and bee naughty as necessary
That I could see that BIG changes are just big changes...and, roll baby roll...
That I could love so many kinds of music...opera, r&b, hip-hop, rock, indie, folk, metal, punk, jazz, blues...

I am currently listening to : I Know You're Married But I've Got Feelings Too, By Martha Wainwright. I love it...somehow it makes me feel free, like my life is just one more example of how things start anew...she is amazing...listen.

endings need to end, so i can begin!!!

Good byes and bbs....
Current mood: adventurous
Category: sure Life

Oh the changes are rolling in like waves...daughters, divorce, daring ...who knew I would love the stars so, or the sound of water over rock, the joy of hitting a beer can with a bb gun, the thought of freedom even if it means losing what I have always known as home...? Fuck yes, change is good. HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS! I'LL BE FINE, home or no home...can't be scared anymore...

Who knew I would be so damned good at designing gardens for people who's idea of beauty is different from mine? Who knew I could be so good at birthing babies? Who knew I could roll like a ninja with the punches life has thrown lately? I guess I knew but didn't trust that I did...now I do...

BIG changes are just big changes...roll baby roll...

Currently listening :
I Know You're Married But I've Got Feelings Too
By Martha Wainwright
Release date: 2008-06-10

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Monday, June 30, 2008





So much time to get to the end...so many roadblocks, so much legal dancing and prestidigitation...

I keep wondering why I am so so so so tired and I realize it's because I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next bad game to begin.

Today, tiredtiredtiredfrom work, I think I will just sleep. When I wake up, I will shrug the shit off my shoulders, put the dog out,sit on my deck, water my garden, crank my music, watch Countdown with mom, unfurl my scrunched brow and smile at the world that rolls out before me, because tho the legality of END is still playing like a broken record, the mary cassidy in me BEGINS. Tonight...No more tethers, no more ties to broken...

CHOICE...HOW SILLY TO NOT HAVE REALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT. TODAY AT THE END OF NAP TIME, MARY CASSIDY BEGINS, SMART, LOUD, HAPPY, SEXY, DARING AND CURIOUS...FREE... BEGIN.AGAIN

SWEET

chickens on fire

Today i was so tired i thought I couldn't make it thru my shift at the coffeeshop...all the caffeine in the world at my behest and it did no damned good. Tired of never-ending endings..waking up without hope, fed up with political "short bus" world views...just fucking tired across the spectrum of my life.

Then, mom came to spend the night and we went to dinner at POP and half the coffeeshop customers were at dinner and they were all so happy eating and laughing and their cute babies waved and hugged and blew kisses all thru dinner and I couldn't help but smile and laugh and hug back and then I felt awake and silly to have been so low...

Mom and I watched Countdown, a ritual I have come to love, and we bitched about politics and laughed and swore at the pundits. Then, Katia called and I booked my flight to collect her and her belongings for the journey back home from Philly...ten minutes later Jessica called and said she was probably moving to Colorado...one daughter home, one off to explore love and potential...life...life..she's right, it is her turn to leave the safety of home and learn about life and what she's made of...bittersweet. I have to see it as forward motion and a chance for me to get to know Colorado... make lemonade mary...

Dori came over and we sat on the deck, after mom went to bed. We talked about the boys and the wonderous "village" we live in where people have stepped up to house and love the boys, now all safely placed and cared for. Damn, how I love my neighborhood and the people who live in it and are so honorable when push comes to shove...

Cry baby me, but grateful cry baby....we talked about the boys, their crazy broken mom, our own kids, hope for the future, politics, food, wine, friends...then on to the best story ever! the story about Wausau and the heroin addicts camping in the woods, chicken stealers who decided they couldn't butcher them so instead decided to just toss them feathers and all alive into the fire cuz they were hungry...didn't work so well the flaming chickens escaped and ran thru the woods ablaze and then one of the addicts who part time worked at a bbq place chased them with a keg of bbq sauce after they ran around fully afire. and one of the other junkies was confused and wanted to know if he was basting them or trying to put out the fire....JEEZUZ PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!

So, at the end of the day, I conclude; God bless good stories about people SoOOOOooo much crazier than me...nothing better than laughing till cabernet comes out your nostrils.

Tomorrow I will rescue a broken tree and swipe sumac for my friend's garden...and laugh while I do it. Ninja tree swiper me Wednesday, tattoo completion, a metaphor for my looney life inked across my back in all of it's colorful glory...mary cassidy sprung forth, at last! Then to cap it all off , art time with Jay...what coukld be better? Nada

So, tomorrow I will wake up to the life I have, in all of it's splendor...grateful for every fucking thing...including the image of chickens running thru a forest on fire chased by a man with bbq sauce...

who needs movies after all of this?

Slante

Birthdays and Bees

What a peaceful and crazy week...all at the same time....
Run, wait, dig dirt to create beauty, work, go out with friends, cry cuz Joey ran away...make more lattes, dig more dirt, create more beauty. Talk politics and throw darts with friends for my bday. Judge the Drunken Spelling Bee and hoop in heels while talking naughty and making spellers laugh...Good job Taffi. Thanks for the fun.

WOW...All of that and to still feel and acknowledge a growing peace with in. Amazing how I feel a sweetness to my life now. I love my family and friends more each day. I appreciate more each day what I could possibly lose...my house, my business... that's all up to a judge and a justice system I choose to believe in.

What cannot be lost is family, friendships, my soul and heart. Those are mine. The joy of knowing that they will be enough is maybe what creates this sweet new sense of peace.

My daughters, I hope you understand why I won't let your father in my life right now...Have to finish the cut. Have to draw the clear line in the sand for my own happiness. I have earned it. Have to stand for what I am now,( probably always was but never dared truly be).

" Mary Cassidy" is here to stay. She's a good lady. Full of kindness, fairness and more than a bit of Irish naughtiness. And most of all, she loves you. And finally, herself too...sweet.

so it’s true, the end is also the beginning

mood: adventurous
Category: Life

A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.
Tennesse Williams


My heart and life has been ALL curves thru the mountain...family, marriage, kids, jobs, friends, divorce.... nothing straight or even slightly predictable...Sadly, I think I always knew he did not love ME, the real me. So, I chose to see that an end is also a beginning.

One year later...Today is my birthday. I will consider this a true, curved beginning. The end was curved and treacherous. The beginning is not. It is full of hope and optimism. My human heart dares to take that curved journey again....Do I dare to be alone? Hell yes. Lonely? I was for so many married years...what's new? Friends, loves, so much stays vital and real over time...Beauty, as in the eye of the beholder, flying thru the air, like that plastic bag, spinning over the road in the film "American Beauty", that's what remains...

Today I clearly see that curved road running thru my heart...it spills on out to the rest of my life. It is well- lighted and beckons. From this day on, I am free from certain ghosts, wise to others...unafraid (who knew?) even of more failures. Shit happens. for sure...

I swear, I will pick myself up and try to live by nothing more than this: to be as good as I can be, to cause the least amount of pain or harm to this world and its'inhabitants as possible, to love my friends, family and daughters with all my heart...

I promise to judge the drunken spelling bee with sass and humor...to uphold the scripps national spelling bee standards to the last sip of wine, to write poetry even if it is bad poetry, to write incredible short stories and to one day really ,truly write a great american novel. Really. I promise it to myself...and damn it, I believe i will!
On top of all of that, I will believe in goodness and music and beauty and even love again...
So, on this, the longest day of the year, my birth day, I raise a glass to new births and the suns' rotation!

Slante and godspeed to all whom I love.