try a little tenderness; caramel macchiatto's emerge

I've been trying to figure out what exactly I want...the idea of dating is nice because, the truth is, it is lonely out here without human touch and conversation...but, i can't be a one-nighter, don't know how to sleep with someone i don't care about.

All of a sudden everything from my horoscopes to quirky customers offering to do my numerology charts kindly done by a customer, have been pointing me in the direction of my own spiritual blooming. Even my ex, he is crumbling and how do I turn away? I have to grow wiser, deeper, stronger. Because if I can't find the humanity within my self to help him, I can't find value in anyone else...So, how does one develop spiritual depth and wisdom...by looking honestly at what I have been thru, by acknowledging my part in all of the garbage and accepting the fact thst i stayed, thru multiple betrayals because i didn't value myself, because i was too afraid tof the big bad world as an "alone". Now, i feel that I have grown enough to dare...to trust, and most remarkably enough, to trust myself enough to feel empathy to the man thst hurt me so rather than hatred...So, i reached out my hand and we are going on an ex-date whr=ere i will do my best to help him survive what i have survived, what I learned, tools i used...an offer of frienship and kindness somehow seems to have changed my kharma...

This last weekend, after weeks of working 6 days and waiting, laughing to myself about Jodi's code; her heads-up re practice types for flirting...lo and behold, there have been multiple "carmel macchiattos" our heads up...hottie alert code...for the last 4 days. Much to my surprise, I have been engaged by them first and i have joined the "battle" with gusto; getting detailed pointers from the personal trainer who wants to help me find my best self, the local musician who tells me he loves my music taste and maybe we can go see some of the local shows, the businessman who wants to know what an Art date is and maybe we should try one cuz he loves art too!!!

HMMMM...I was most drawn to the bold blue-eyed blond who stared at me while pretending to read the paper but was watching me in the window relection...he listened to all my usual b.s. with the coffeeshop regulars and complimented my politics and humor..." say, do you have music every weekend? "How often do you work...i'm drawn to comediennes and smart mouths"...$5 into tip jar...

Kharmic winds blow hard...Let the testing continue and the "games" begin, but, please, no booty calls for me...

Ex-Date

m i crazy???

I'm so tiresd..just got call from Jodi to work for her on my day off and i'm so FUCKING G DAMNED tired...i can't sleep cuz I'm gonna meet my ex on thursday for dinner...I have to somehow help him...he looks like he's dying and i think i need to show him he can survive like i did without hate and spiritual death... somehow...My fear and question is, can i do this and stay sane? Can I NOT do it and stay sane?

Evolution of the spirit and self is a bitch and I am scared for my soul. IS IT STRONG ENOUGH? I ..can't turn away and let him crash alone after all these years. He is so alone now...I have my family and friends thank god, they have saved and supported me thru sll of this hell...love them all for it.

Can I be big enough in spirit and have enough humanity to help him do better after all of the pain he has caused me?...we'll see...

For my own sense of peace and altruism, i'm going to try...also I need to try for my daughters who would unravel if he were to fail...

Pray, chant, burn sage, think tinkerbell happy thoughts for me...i need to be careful and wise and empathetic.

Currently listening :
His Eye Is on the Sparrow
By Ethel Waters

try a little tenderness

Sometimes, I get so focused on my own evolution since I asked my ex to leave, that I miss the obvious...

While looking at that great sea of possiblity out there, while wondering who or even if I can I connect and relate to someone again, i ran into my ex. Looking at him, I thought about the pain and sorrow he has caused. I thought about how much that pain has changed me...ultimately it has forged me into something better, kinder and stronger...

Strange reaction followed...The main emotion I had during and after the encounter was one of EMPATHY and yes, even forgiveness. He looks like hell and I believe that, after all these years of never being accountable to anything but his job, he has begun to look at his own shit...obviously it is painful.

My oldest looked at him and said, " I think it's easier to be the one who's shit on, than the one who shits...the guilt must be horrible."

I hope that feeling of pain i have felt for years and am now besting forges him into someone kinder and more thoughtful about how his actions impact others...good luck with that Ed, and I mean it. Fix your soul.

Art date

I went to the Russian Museum of Art with my best friend, Jay...it was a great show of russian impressionists. We both were struck by the politics of this art, in specific, and a quote posted in the exhibit (I'll paraphrase) that all art is political or it is not truly art. There was so much control from Lenin thru Stalin thru Nikita Khrushev, yet the artists survived this censorship by making public, politically acceptable works and then painted for themselves privately...frickin great metaphor for our public and private lives.

It was the perfect day, good friend, like minds, and a committment to be artful every single wednesday of our lives for the rest of the year by rotating houses for studio work and museums for inspiration...

The question i left with was, "Does a gal really need sex if she has friends like that and good art to boot?"

Okay,that's a silly question... probably, but for the short-term, it IS enough.

Thank you dear sweet Jay for just being there, always.

Fake dates, a safe option

After Friday night, where i embarrassed myself and my old friend who was silly enough to ask me out on a date and thank me for agreeing to go...sigh,...(see Red stag blog entry), I 've decided that fake dates are my best current option...So, I am going to lunch with a dear friend who has no designs on me, only adores me enough to make me into my own art icon, "Our Lady Of Perpetual Light Roast," showing me rising from the dead,a fter i almost killed myself falling off a ladder.

I am thankful to him for kisiing my forhead and telling me he was so glad i survived... when oddly and sadly enough my ex never once said that...so...sweet Jay and I are going to lunch and then to the Russian Museum of Art to lose ourselves in beauty and to laugh...I call him the Armadillo cuz he is shielded in emotional armour tougher than my own, but it is un ravelling and i see him daring to love Missy H. and i am happy for that...

Funny, i'm encouraging him to propose to her as I run for the hills from my own marriage. He gets that ... I think it means I stil believe in love, somehow and so does he.

I look at those around me now and think good luck to you and HOPE for them with my eyes closed tight, like when you wish and blow out a birthday candle

...Dare i wish love for myself down the road? i think so...but with who? It's awfully hard to meet someone sitting at home on my computermor at work where no caramel machiatto's seem to cross my threshhold(see prior blog re caramel macchiatto reference as a code)

I am determined to "spoon" again! Any one know any prime prospects? Funny how a young kissing bandit pushed me to wake up the beast in my soul...he was hoping for Ms. Robinson but I am so much more than that...but, that's another story...later

Code word: Caramel Macchiatto

Jodi and I were talking about relationships the other morning before we opened for the coffeeshop for business...
"i don't think I know how to flirt anymore," i say, "or, how to recognize if anyone's flirting with me."
She laughs and says, Oh, trust me,you do." "Really?"i say, thinking she's so full of shit.

"We'll have a code, something fake but real coffee-like sounding,. I know, I''ll say caramel macchiatto when a maybe comes in and then you just let go."

So the whole day goes by, and not one damned "caramel machiatto "type appears...only the regulars; guys who touch your collar telling you they're fixing it, or the married ones who talk to your tits, or those who say "gee Mary, divorce must be good for you..you sure are looking good,...

then there is the one who week after week opens his from across the street bakery wax paper bag and takes out a sugar glazed maple stick, stuffs half of it in his mouth and then turns to me and says..."wanna bite of my stick?"
I back away and stare back... " Oh, hell no," i say, I'd rather hang myself ...

Sofar, not one friggin caramel macchiatto..
.

non-date mistaken for naughty

Tonight i was leaving work when my friend, Ed, who is closing his bookstore across the street from my business called and told me he had lots of Christies and Sotheby's art catalogues for me as a goodbye gift... he knows i love them...so i went over and sorted thru them and was leaving with a box full of Old Masters drawings and prints, Impressionist prints and etchings...modern art prints from private collections....Classic Beauty in a box. Score!

To be nice, Bookstore Ed carried them all to my car and then jumped in for a smoke out of the cold and wind.
We talked and laughed and smoked for about 30 minutes, during which time at least three neighborhood types, including old friend David, walked by and pretended not to see us in the car....???

At first it puzzled me. They all know my car...they always stop to say hi... then i realized that they were thinking 'oh yea, the divorcee is on the prowl'....dark car, cigarettes backlighting lighting Bookstore Ed and I. He got it the same time I did, and we laughed and lit up another smoke and then as David walked by pretending we weren't there, he rolled down the window and yelled out "We're going to inspiration point or should we go down to the river?"...

David did not laugh, did not stop, only walked away to the convienience store...my guess is he'll be texting my ex to tell him what he saw...

Seems i "date" without even knowing it...jeezzzuzz

dinner at red stag

okay so i went out on a psuedo date....uncomfortable...but, the food was great, conversation good,...but i set rules of engagement as no go ...am i mean? thank godI I ran into 15 regulars from shop and 2 old college friends...they kept the evening sweet. and entertaining, kind to my date too, tho puzzled...what the hell so was I... had no real want to go but thought i need to get out in the world to test the waters some...
Restaurant review to follow:

Setting is great, warm, re-hab chic, over the top chandeliers, low soft lights, big windows, attractive and comfy bar and open kitchen. Staff very warm and knowledgeable. Kudos to our favorite mpls waitress/writer Nancy Sartor!!!

Had the garlic bisque soup to start...frickin wonderful!!!
Shared acorn squash with honey/lavender drizzle...YUMMMMM, but sweet.

Then, for main course had the red deer stroganoff and it was incredible....venison rare and soooooo tender, hand-made egg noodles hardy and delish. The sauce was minimal and perfect except for needing more pepper.

Wine list was good, some affordable, some not...beer list good to great and affordable...grade it A-cuz dessrt was cold. GO!!!!!

dating - what the hell?!

I have decided to begin an on-going interactive blog about my lack of dating skills, filled with my stupid blurts, awkward moments and insight as i try to learn from my mistakes while re-entering the world as a dating innocent.

I'll call it WHAT SEX IN THE CITY?

You are cordially invited to laugh with and at me as i record the misadventures of an ex-housewife...comments are encouraged, pointers too...oh, and if i get lucky, you won't know, that's not what the blog's about .

It's all about the journey, not the destination...

pray or chant or burn something for me

pseudo dating

There are so many things i need to learn...after many months of no, I agreed to a date tonight with an old friend...BIG MISTAKE...it was awkward to say the least...tho the conversation was good, had a great meal at the Red Stag (go there, it's great), bumped heads on the goodnight air kiss...lol

I think i need to brush up on SO much... my radar, my daring, my flirting skills, (except for with this one intriguing guy, it seems to just happen. Not sayin' who, just sayin' woohoo...i hope you know who you are

Like most women, i find myself attracted to someone i shouldn't be in logical terms), but maybe you should just say screw logic and live in the moment..yep, I hate that new age shit too, but i DO get at least that much of it...

So in the end, why am i not attracted to the familiar,safe, sweet one who would lie down in the mud so i could walk on him to a dry spot...go figure...
pointers anyone?

I'M WAY TOO OLD FOR THIS ADOLESCENT SHIT!!!!!! how fuckin funny and ironic