I've been trying to figure out what exactly I want...the idea of dating is nice because, the truth is, it is lonely out here without human touch and conversation...but, i can't be a one-nighter, don't know how to sleep with someone i don't care about.
All of a sudden everything from my horoscopes to quirky customers offering to do my numerology charts kindly done by a customer, have been pointing me in the direction of my own spiritual blooming. Even my ex, he is crumbling and how do I turn away? I have to grow wiser, deeper, stronger. Because if I can't find the humanity within my self to help him, I can't find value in anyone else...So, how does one develop spiritual depth and wisdom...by looking honestly at what I have been thru, by acknowledging my part in all of the garbage and accepting the fact thst i stayed, thru multiple betrayals because i didn't value myself, because i was too afraid tof the big bad world as an "alone". Now, i feel that I have grown enough to dare...to trust, and most remarkably enough, to trust myself enough to feel empathy to the man thst hurt me so rather than hatred...So, i reached out my hand and we are going on an ex-date whr=ere i will do my best to help him survive what i have survived, what I learned, tools i used...an offer of frienship and kindness somehow seems to have changed my kharma...
This last weekend, after weeks of working 6 days and waiting, laughing to myself about Jodi's code; her heads-up re practice types for flirting...lo and behold, there have been multiple "carmel macchiattos" our heads up...hottie alert code...for the last 4 days. Much to my surprise, I have been engaged by them first and i have joined the "battle" with gusto; getting detailed pointers from the personal trainer who wants to help me find my best self, the local musician who tells me he loves my music taste and maybe we can go see some of the local shows, the businessman who wants to know what an Art date is and maybe we should try one cuz he loves art too!!!
HMMMM...I was most drawn to the bold blue-eyed blond who stared at me while pretending to read the paper but was watching me in the window relection...he listened to all my usual b.s. with the coffeeshop regulars and complimented my politics and humor..." say, do you have music every weekend? "How often do you work...i'm drawn to comediennes and smart mouths"...$5 into tip jar...
Kharmic winds blow hard...Let the testing continue and the "games" begin, but, please, no booty calls for me...
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