Got myself a pedicure today...seemed a sweet treat for my poor over-worked tootsies. Fell asleep in the vibrating chair. It was so relaxing and I am so tired because I stayed out way too late last night...Went to Ne Grumps and talked to my favorite political man. Laughed, smoked cigarettes, drank beer nad laughed some more along with serious talk.
While pink toenails were drying(What the hell is going on with all of my recent pinkness, anyway?) I picked up a mag to read and there was this essay on desire...a woman trying to define it...odd, because I have been thinking about it myself lately.
After two years of celibacy, I feel it more and more...not just sexual, tho that is getting kinda crazy...but also a need or longing to share ideas and beliefs, a wish for intimacy at all levels...
So, identifying it is step one...step two is so much more intimidating, cuz I'm not sure anyone desires me, and that makes me sad and insecure. I have worked so hard these past two years at accepting my aloneness, being grateful for the beauty of frinds, small things, seeing miniscule moments of joy as enough...
These moments and family and friends are capable of making mine a happy life. I just will admit to desiring more. To wanting to feel myself as sexually alive, as sexually attractive still...I do know this tho, the object of my desire would have to be so much more than a good lay...I desire intelligence.
I desire vitality.
I desire humor.
I desire gentleness and touch.
I desire the patience to live my life with the sense not to just jump into the sack with any fool who comes my way...
I desire passion.
Maybe I should just desire a lobotomy so that i do not miss what i do not have...
Hell no. Maybe the best part of desire is thge longing itself becuase it keeps our sense of being alive and hungry on its' toes.
Sigh...
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