It would seem strange to look at all the beauty around me and to not realize how lucky I am. I have a cozy home, great daughters, warm friends and a family that might make me crazy at times, but who I love with all my heart and know that it is returned.
Still, somehow I feel so tired and so lonely. Is there something wrong with me? Is it not enough? I feel that it should be but it isn't. I feel the pressure of having to be something more than human. I am not allowed frailty. I am not allowed to fuck-up, to make mistakes. I haveto represent not just my life, but a whole neighborhood. Who needs to do that? Is that the expectation of any of the other women on my business block? No. Is it fair? Not really.
I have agreed to do a vocational evaluation for my divorce settlement. It's my ex's way of saying what he said for years...that what I do and am is not useful, not valid. I have to live and earn by his standards, not mine. That's what it feels like when the employees say i have to represent...it's as if Iam not good enough unless I live by their decisions, not mine...Ed. Them? Where do I come into this?
I have never hurt a soul. I have never done one single thing to another human that I regret as having been mean or harmful.If I joke about "cougar" which it turns out I cannot do, even that is unacceptable. If I go out with gurls and laugh and talk trash, not acceptable...
What the hell is okay, I wonder. everyone else can talk shit, make bad jokes, complain about their lives in public, but not me...
The funny thing is that the customers come to aexpect and accept the personal, because we are like one big crazy family. I don't open to all...just those I know get it. They do the samee to me. If the employees are right I am misreading all of them.
So, here are my options as I see them. Don't talk politics...even when the customers want to and start it? Don't make bad jokes about dating, even when the customers start it? They expect a smart ass, edgy response...i guess I have to disappoint...
Twelve years in, and still alive, and now I'm supposed to stop doing what has always been what makes it work...has always been a part and parcel of what has made us succeed when everyone else is gone...it has always been about the old school personal, sharing of self that makes us tick. No matter what the ladies say, the majority of the customers tell and want to be told. that's part there but for the grace of god, and the i'm part of the inner circle magic...
So here is the last blog that the public will see for a while. I will say what I think. I will live my life w/o harming others and I will not apologize to anyone for being human and sad and trying to survive.
Slante
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3 comments:
okay. clearly you didn't really hear what we were saying at our meeting - which, honestly, doesn't even come as a surprise at this point, since half of the message we were trying to convey (in the kindest way, to avoid triggering your uber-sensitive defense mechanism) was that you don't listen. if you want to twist our words into negative, non-constructive criticisms of you, that's fine. but don't expect us to try to help you when your loyal customers stop coming in because they can no longer stand your dramatic monologues.
and another thing. if you have a problem with a conversation that's taking place with people you claim to care about and who are openly trying to help you, it's probable more appropriate to say it to their faces than to blog about it. but who am i to give you advice?
i didn't want to start dealing with this on the internet - it's completely the wrong outlet for these kinds of conversations. but if you, a grown woman who evidently knows best in all situations, can't keep this drama off your blog, i'm not going to bother having face-to-face conversations with you, either.
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