renew, re-use, review

Last blog made me think about perceptions: Since my childhood I had to walk a tightrope...don't be that bastard child, keep family secrets, act this way, never misbehave, always think of others first...always be meek...then I married, same thing..., then I had daughters, god how I love them, but willingly, sometimes be-grudgingly, I put them first, their father first, taking care of my parents, solving other peoples problems, worked for a decade as a Chair for families and children's mental health, basic health and educational rights county wide..everyday representing the families that had no voice. Everyday fighting greedy politicians and agenda driven superintendents...I loved it, for the ethical and social justice good it did, but was exhausted by it all till I didn't know who or what Mary was anymore...

Then I dared to open my own business...I put it in front of the line, and me too, by association...probably was what led to the end of my marriage, that I dared focus on my own life, my business...it was seen as a total betrayal.

Now, I am trying to explore, define, question, open...to this new solo life. It is beautifully frightening and amazing at the same time. I suppose I have come across as self-centered for a bit...it being about me..such a new concept. I will try to go back to it being about us, community. It will be that tightrope walk again trying to keep growing and trying to keep my values and ethics about community in place at the same time.

Still, I do not want to shoulder the responsibility of, as I was told I do, "representing NE/Jstreet." The other ladies and gents can carry that for a while. I will represent just me, Mary. A hard working, honest, ethical , exhausted, sometimes funny, sometimes eccentric woman trying to find herself and save her business after divorce, multiple betrayals, no bridge and a bsd economy. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes support.

And, as always, it will be seeing and making beauty that saves me...beauty in all of its tiny and vast forms. I have my friends, my family...my garden...That WILL be enough.

Slante