Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...

And damn it, lucky me, I don't have to lose anything but a sad marriage...I didn't, miraculously, lose myself...I found me, the real me, again.

I didn't lose my daughters...they are sad about it but love both me and their dad, no matter the divorce.

I didn't lose my family, catholic and conservative as they may be; they still love me and accept the divorce as my finally saying no more to being nothing.

I didn't lose my moral compass.
I didn't lose my sense of hope.
I didn't lose my sense of humor. Instead, I have rediscovered my love of beauty and words and humanity. I have found it better, and actually fulfilling, to be alone and worth something to myself rather than invisible and worthless to a husband.

I have not lost my sister's-in-law, who are as dear as my sisters and will always love.

I have lost false friends, and grown closer to the real ones. That is a gift I am only beginning to fully appreciate.

I have begun to look open eyed and open-hearted to the future. Will I be loved again? I hope so.

Most importantly to me, I did not lose myself to hate.

I did not lose the rich history of a lifetime shared, either. I will always cherish the happy times, the joy of watching my daughters grow smart, bold, political and altuistic. That happened because the two of us loved them and parented them to the best of our abilities.

So, freedom has a price, but, it also has a beauty that cannot be put into words.
Freedom has a potential for new beginnings that excites me like life did when I was 5 and trusted the world completely. So, now, older, wiser, tougher...life and freedom are still magical and intoxicating to imagine...

To freedom! To the future me!

Slante

Limitations and lamentations...

This week the shit hit the fan with the boys I mentor. Their mama is falling apart again and all i can legally do is feed them and give them a safe place to sleep for a day or two...She is damamged, so fucking damamged that I don't know that she can ever recover. The trick is to try to rescue them as she train-wrecks her life seemingly intent on taking them down with her...

Crying doesn't change a thing. Groceries, an emergency cell pone so they can stay in touch if things go bad. Talk to teachers so they get full pictutre...can't do anything else and THAT is what is so painful. So i have taken to praying to the stars to watch over them. I have nothing else except to be there when they call.

On top of that, got the list of jobs I should be applying for to make my ex happy...Starbucks manager, office manager, school liaison worker...apparently my own twelve year record of successfully operating a business and surviving an ex business partners embezzlement, the bridge collapse and a horrid economy due to Bush is JUST NOT A FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH JOB IN HIS EYES!!!!!!

As the skillsmaster analyst said...it's all about what you are worth on the open market, not your passion, not your choice, just about cold hard cash...your employees and neighborhood don't amount to anything in his (Ex"s) analysis of maningful jobs...

Looks like I'll be hiring out as a landscape consultant or bartender or housepainter soon...maybe all.

Here's to friends who understand, family who loves you( i know how lucky I have been!) and to hope for the future and the skilz to accomplish what I desire.

Slante

To Love life is to love life is to love life

Somedays, when you are so tired it seems physically impossible to put one foot in front of the other and march thru your day, little gifts are presented to you in the form of friends, or a line overheard that makes you laugh your ass off...or, little children come and kiss your knee as they hug you and tell you they love you...how excited they are to look for the hidden treasures you tuck into the garden for them. They give you wilted dandylions and smile...

Adults come in wearing sadness like a rope around their necks and thank you for giving them a happy place...couples divorcing and needing nuertal ground, women dying of breast cancer who grab your hand as you bring their coffee to the table cuz somehow you know they are too tired to carry it, and then they hold your hand tight as they can manage and thank you for a place to share their last few months over coffee with friends and just for a time forget they are afraid...

How can I not love this life, these faces, these embraces...I promise to love my life big as I can and also to love my life in those small doses...to love life in the face of fear, to love the life reflected in the round faces of the teens who myspace me their questions and doubts , the toddlers who just shower drool kisses on you with the purest love and joy..

...I am so lucky....

I will not lose my shop. It is not just a business. It is a home with a heart ,with comfort and with sometimes naughty humor that somehow helps our friends and neighbors.

I promise not to lose this battle.

I promise not to grow too tired. I promise to smile and be grateful every single damned time i walk thru the doors and see the new coat of beauty given it . To thank the man who helped create it, the friend who listen to my fears and comforts me... I promise to see all of lifes' beauty and to give it back.

I just need to dig deep to my old reserves and remember all of this when I am sad; when I am too tired.

To life to life, Slante...to life.

To strong women

Spent the evening with Jessica and had a great dinner and great discussion...so sad I'm not going to Philly with her to see Katia...
Happy to hear Katia probably has frickin awesome job lined up back here w Teach For America...She can live cheap and pay down here debt. Nice.

She belongs back in the classroom teaching the dear rugrats she so loves...It's her calling. Teach for America can pay her Mn. certification and grad school and then she can jump back...knowing all sides of the system.

Jessica is gaining so much faith in her abilities...so proud of her wordsmith qualities...Damn...I did at least that much right with my life...maybe that is enuf...Two incredibly smart and beautiful women unleashed out onto this world...

Do great things daughters mine...incredible great things.

I love you and am so proud of you.

Mamacita

Slante

The Gurlz got Skilz!

Assessed, no longer repressed. Somehow it has turned into an incredible, freeing life lesson. To be objectively tested, tried, pushed and the evaluated...even if it's court ordered re-affirms what you already know about your true self....turns out I'm pretty flippin smart(except in higher math) have great social and civic skills and love life...oh yeah, I'm not crazy and test out to be very sane and stable and well rounded...

Guess what I scored highest in...verbal...now THAT'S FRICKIN FUNNY. DUH. blahblahblah

Should be, in order of results:
writer
advertising exec/creative
lawyer
visual artist
social worker
educator
politician
manager

(did I say emphatically enough that I suck at higher math?)

So, ultimately, I will fight like hell to keep the business I love in the community I love...If I have to I will get a part time job till I can open the wine bar.

I will start to write short stories and screenplays again...poems too just cuz I love them so. I promise I will write till I get fucking published. Then I will do it all over again...

A toast to loving words and loving humanity. A toast to the future. I WILL spoon life everyday.

Slante

true friends and target practice all in one day

The two J.'s made my day. Bless the both of you. holy Jesus, life can be fun and sincere and full of surprises all at the same time...

Art in my garden with dear old friend J. S. ...thank you sir, for always being there and for the ability to talk honestly with you about absolutely everything. You are the best friend a girls could ever have and I love you with all of my "friends till the end" heart. Thank you thank you thank you for making me believe in friendship and trust and the future. I do deserve one...I will accomplish my dreams...they include being in your wedding in the not too distant future. Come on buddy, you know you're gonna. She's perfect for you. I don't want to be the guest book lady tho. Remember that. I want to wear some god-aweful dress thast I'll never use again and dance the night away at the glorious nuptials. You are wise and funny and dark and I hope M knows just how lucky she is to have you.

To the other newer friend J.M. I am so grateful for your dedication to detail, for you caring about the shop enough to come back twice, for loving the fabric, (tho I love yours more...) for your life view,,,so refreshing! and your honest reactions. I admire your political passion and ethical nature. I also love your Iowa sense of life and humor...it is SO SO refreshing..You also make me laugh, at life and at myself...that's good. Thanks for helping me find my own humor again...you make me want to see things in a new light. You make me happy because you trust me to create beauty in your yard. I promise i will do it and you, justice. I have to say thank you for letting me in your life. I think you are guarded about who you let in.
I loved sitting in your yard just before dusk and doing target practice at Fat Cat and diet coke cans with your air gun.
I think I'm gonna have to get me one of those along with that the EX knife holders...I laugh at it every damned time i see it. I'll be going on line to find me one. And lastly, I too want to be a ninja...lol. Thanks!

A toast to creating beauty in the city.

A toast to maybe being smart enough to run my own business in the eyes of the assessor and the judge. Cheers. I'll find out tomorrow...wish me luck. I'll let the two of you know how it worked out.

Slante

looking forward

So many things to wish for...happiness, Barak as president, daughters both being close, geographically, divorce being final, judge being fair, assessment allowing me to justify my shop as a legeitimate way to earn a living...coffeeshop growing..knowing who my true friends are, wine bar...maybe someday having someone love the real me...time in my garden to lay on my back and stare at the sun surrounded by fragrant blooms...life is so simple, as to wants, and so complicated as to achieving those simple wants...

Wishing I could tell the deepest reaches of my heart to someone and have someone really understand them...and to have them dare and trust enough to tell me theirs...
I wonder just how stupid or at least naive a lady can be to believe in that, still, after so many disappointments.

Do I keep trying to share my ife? Do I believe that new friends will see the real me and find me trustworthy? Do I bother to try to make new friends? Do I bother to try to cultivate new relationships?

Do I dare, ever, to believe I might be attractive to someone...this week would seem to make the answer to all of the above a whopping no...

No whining. No hoping. Acceptance... Just my garden and time to touch it's beauty, to cultivate that healing element and to believe in its power to restore.

Thatv will have to be enough.

That and a thank you to the old friends who do see the real me and support me thru this crapola time.

Alone is not lonely. It is just alone.

Slante

ASSessment report on thursday

Lucky me...only three days till I learn what vocational abilities I might have...know I failed the higher math, advanced spacial organizational puzzles...sucked at those too. hmm

That leaves bookeeping, phone answering, filing, typing, mmpi(crazy?) educational interests and vocabulary...

I'm betting I kicked ass on vocabulary, animal and human puzzle assemby, word association, filing and book-keeping.

Don't think I'm crazy but we'llsee what the doctorate says...

Not selling shop no matter what. Won't, won't, won't...second job? Might have to...oh well, my poor garden will be all weedy and maybe I'll have to scale it back. Sad 'bout that.

Second job? Maybe bartender to learn how to run new wine bar I want to do...maybe I'll be a painter's asst. I can roll out a decent wall, maybe landscaper...not afraid of breakin my back...OR MAYBE, back to school to be a writer. That would be so sweet.

Slante

Art A Whirl spun out

Exhausted, crabby, tired, escaped for an hour from shop before I fell apart...ran into new friend who I think the world of, thought it was nice to just chat, listen to music before back to purgarory of lattes and art-crawlers...Was having a blast, introduced Garden guru to garden wanter sweet friend and it was fun till another poker buddy who I've known for years as a friend pulled a creep drool and drape move ...ish ish ish...shouldn't have done that drool on me thing...now I have to wonder everytime I see him what the hell his real motive is...

Embarrassed me and I think my friend too...Sigh...Maybe I should bind my chest, shave my head and never dare to try to socialize...

Slante, I wish...

Resurrection, part II

Today I let go of all of the old hurts and sorrows...
Today and all days to come will be about new life and believing in my own chosen future

Today I begin my love affair with my new life.

Today I will be grateful for the shop and it's new fresh face and solid neighborhood heart.

Today I will see all things beautiful and hopeful...

I will begin by spooning with my garden, with art, with music, with true friends, with companionship based on ethics, humor, laughter, politics and words, beautiful, meaningful words...

I will own my own mistakes, learn from them and move forward with all knowledge gained.

A prayer from me to the universe to grant happiness to those I love and to myself from this day forward.

Slante

What I'm worth on the open market

ASSessments are wierd...frickin wierd

First thing the psychologist says to me is, "you know whyb you're here, right?" I say, " I think so..."

He says, " It's all about what you are worth on the Open Market so he can pay youn less...don't play games and I will be objective...just so ya know, you got a damned good attorney. Good for you."

The tests began, lots and lots of them...eight hrs worth. one lady cried thru all of them...I wanted to cry for her.

But I learned this:
Damn, I got skillz with doll puzzles, animal puzzles, bookkeeping, filing, answering telephones too!!! I fuckin rule those skilz!! Swear!

I might even be smart enough to run a coffeeshop...waiting for the verdict from the test results....

As to rubik cube type puzzles, I suck in a way even I couldn't believe...waiting to hear what the guy says re my Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory...maybe I'm not that crazy...hmmm...I REALLY REALLY PROMISE I DO NOT HEAR VOICES OR THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO POISON ME...HONEST.



Update from the Phd on thursday, next....I'll let ya know...

Cousin Noah saidhe wants to spoon life

Damn, what a phrase! so old-fashioned and hipat the same time...My daughter and her friends all talk about spooning, yeah i get that.

But, how cool to want to spoon life itself...I say go for it! Spoon your life, listen to your favorite tunes in the summer sun, eat your favorite ice cream, float on the lake, spend time with those who love you, lay on your back and stare at the night sky...
I too will ltry to spoon life...starting with the Bee...every word, every silly contestant.

Every, every, every, every good thing!

Springtime/ when one's fancy turns to gardens

Oh the tulips, the unfurling ferns, the japanses maples budding, the pond full of leaves and critters...it's at once overwhelming and inspiring. I have decided to spend my free time in my garden, or in my outdoor living room singing along to old-school r&b, italian opera and damien rice, pulling weeds, singing to blooms, listening to my waterfalls...I will spoon with my garden. It will be my one true love. It will break my back, but not my heart. Now that's a spoon partner.

To peonies and bittersweet, to larkspur and robins bathing in my pind, to my mated cardinals and their hatchlings...to life, to life to life and beauty...do your magic, please.

dinner with my boys

They are so funny when all together...bickering, wrestling, laughing...they sit and tell stories from the "good" days. They talk about their alliances when they were little, picking sides and mostly ganging up on big bro Jeff, about the many broken bones, about Jeffrey'sfireworks displays and near misses. Such boys. They talk about "our" mom, "our" houses, "our" schools, watching football games with their mom cheering for the same team, passionate about it as a family...a time when they were acting as a complete family unit...

Individually they talk about the bad times...only whrn alone. As a family it's as if there is a pact to maintain secrecy, to circle the wagons and cut off the world.

Sometimes I think they will all make it. They will all rise above the chaos and addictions. Sometimes when they are laughing and eating huge plates of food I forget how crazy their lives have been. I think for at least dinner, they forget too. That is good. Maybe it will be enough.

A little sun

My tulips are blooming. My bittersweet is creeping around the portico, the honeysuckle is weaving in and out of my deck rails and it smells so sweet already. The willow in my secret garden is windy and green and the pond irises are two feet tall...So, despite the cold and gray, spring is arrived in my yard. So miraculous every single year.

Today at the shop, it was like the old days before the bridge died...bustling, crazy, loud, people laughing and kids everywhere. Mocha heaven, smoothie hell...how reassuring. It makes me believe in survival. How sweet again.

Now, if only I could believe in spring in my heart...in friends enough...in future.

This spring I have discovered much: new beginnings, certain endings, new friends, color as medicine.

I have learned that sometimes you are alone on your journey. That is okay. The journey is true and honest and will heal and teach things only I will understand. It doesn't matter who gets or doesn't get it. I have learned to forgive, to understand how so many can't past their own lives.

I have learned to not hate, no matter what is set on my shoulders...vocational assessment included.

My tulips are blooming. That will have to be enough. That and the fact that Katia is home for the weekend...sweet.

Never thought spring would take so long in coming...

It seems that we, Minnesotans, are stuck in neutral. It is cold and gray, the sun is doled out in small increments...not enough in any given week to chase away the blahs. I am tired, so damned tired after painting the shop and covering shifts that there is no time or energy left to go find fabric, to finish the art-track, to put the shop completely together.

I am too tired and the weather is so glum that I can't find it in me to get deep into mygarden, which is the one thing I can count on to restore me and my energy. Please god or whatever it is that is out there, give me sun, give me warm, give me time to do all the things that are waiting to be finished.

Mostly I hope for good weather for our Johnstock/Art-A-Whirl weekend. No art or artists blowing down the street, no rain sending everyone scurrying off to the indoor sites, no cold that chills all to the bone...let there be sun and 70'sand lots of beauty to behold and buy.

Slante