Is this McCain/Pahlin for fucking Real

INSULTED and ANGRY:

I might have been bemused, ideallogically disabused, or just plain amused by the notion that the republicans would pick a woman as McCain's running mate in a blatant attempt to capture the disgruntled Hillary supporters, especially had they picked a serious candidate...
(oh that fractured glass ceiling, and it's18 million shards!!!)

Instead, I am insulted by the selection! A right wing, pro-life, anti sex-education, pristine coastal pro oil-drilling, gold mine owning, no such thing as global warming, kill all the endangered species in Alaska, nasal toned prima-donna in bad suitsand worse shoes, and under federal investigation for her part in the firing of her ex bro-in-law state trooper who dared to want custody(partial) of his own kids....

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE, AS WOMEN, ARE, MCCAIN?!!!! DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THERE ARE 18 MILLION FEMALE IDIOTS WHO WILL VOTE FOR YOU ON THE BASIS OF HER VAGINA AND BREASTS? DO YOU THINK WE DO NOT LOVE OUR COUNTRY? OUR SHORELINES? OUR SPECIES? OUR RIGHT TO CONTROL OUR OWN PROCREATION CHOICES? OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM? THE FUCKING ECONOMY? AND MOST OF ALL YOU FUCKING FAILURE OF A WAR?

GO TO HELL YOU PANDERING OLD FOOL. YOU ARE THE PERSONIFICATION OF WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR COUNTRY'S LEADERSHIP...YOU ARE BUSH/CHENEY III...YOU ARE A BLIND SELF-ABSORBED MAN WHO CAN'T SEE PAST THE FLAG YOU HAVE DRAPED OVER YOUR EYES...
GO TO HELL YOU PANDERING FOOL. I HOPE YOU LOSE THIS ELECTION BY A LANDSLIDE....

AND, YOU CAN TAKE HER FEMALE ANATOMY AND STUFF THAT TOO!

I am listening to my favorite republican theme song...listen to it too!
Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole
By Martha Wainwright
Release date: 2005-01-25

Breakin glass...

Calling all female politicos..and of course the people who love them...

Let us this day, start a new party, based not on issues or platforms, but on female anatomy...

Let us base this new party on one single(okay, technically two) qualification: breasts and ovaries...do we have them and will they be attractive enough to lure voters?

Let us declare bad suits and homely sturdy shoes the uniform of the party...
( we can begin to think of our logo based on pretty shards of glass...

Question! Does it matter if we care about the war, the economy, the constitution, education, the environment? I posit that that would be dangerous to the development of the Party...too controversial?

Observation: McCain's selection seems to make ethics, constitution, war environment, health care, economy and educatio, among other things, inconsequential...

As a new party, do we want to follow suit? or, just the bad suit?

Breasts and Ovaries, Unite!

I don't think the B. and O.
name is quite right,,,suggestions?

Thanks for your time...
Mary, 34D, double ovaried
Founder and Mother

last time

Friday night, my daughter invited her dad to her goodbye party at my house. With the ugly mediation only 3 days past, it was something that was so raw and painful that I felt sick..during the court ordered mediation...after being forced to be tested, of hiding business worth, being audited, accused by him oflaziness, of not working more than three days a week, accused of not knowing how much my employees were stealing...fuck all of that hate from him, then the saying to the girls and to the mediator how much he loved the shop and how he wants it to succeed, how he would just be sick if I couldn't stay in the house... he did every thing he could to make all of that almost impossible to do...

His final tirade before being cautioned to stop by the mediator was about how sick he was of carrying me... the mediator interrupted him to tell him to consider his trash talk as a burning of any remaining thread or bridge of hope for any future friendship between us.. to stop for the sake of our daughters...

It was too late. I didn't say it out loud. But I looked the mediator in the eye and I he knew .. I did appreciated his support against Ed's crap.
Of course, the girls don't know 90% of his legal manuevering shit, about his betrayals.. and I can't tell them it...

I tell them to love their dad, and I mean it.
If I tell them all, it puts them in a terrible place. If I answer his bullshit,"she's crazy", I hurt them with truth...

But, by not doing so, it leaves me in a terrible place. I am so tired of "Poor dad," coming out of their mouths. I honestly don't think they have ever for one second considered the emotional carnage he has wrought on me over the years...it's about them and Poor Dad, always...I wish them insight and compassion, for me just once... at some point.

So, Friday was the last night I will allow them to invite my ex into my home. He can have his relationship with them elsewhere. Not here. Not again. It was pathetic to see him pretend to fix all of the things he never fucking cared about fixing when he lived here. The "show, was classic public Ed." Always the glad hand without real connect...Always the need to protect his face and ass in public. Enough of that. No more!

I will fix all the broken things that never were important to you. I will say no more to your glad hand and pretend game...not on my turf. Pretend and bullshit all you want, but not here. Ever.

A SAD TOAST TO BRIDGES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED...TOO TOO LATE...
SLANTE

the world's wide open... the sky is the limit...

I have been signed, sealed and finally delivered...so what next?

What do I feel?
Peace, oddly enough, a little fear, but that feels so good at the pit of my stomach...I feel so alive and vital and curious again.
Where do I head?
To a new life that is mysterious and so wide open...It feels like hang-gliding...leaping off a high cliff and letting the wind lift you and soar you on currents while you see the beauty beneath you and the sky above...
What do I want?
I want to taste my new life...to bite in and savor it. I want to believe in my ability to be alone and succeed on my terms. I want to travel, to sing, to laugh, to learn.
What scares me?
Spiders and a bad economy. Oh, and maybe being naked in a room again with someone...Yikes
Who do I love now?
My daughters and my family and friends...may they really see who I am now and love me for that.
When will I dare to connect again?
Not sure...so many interesting options out there. It's so new and I am so different now in many ways...and I laugh at how stupid I am about how that all works, but I do know for sure that I will trust my heart and body to lead me.

So, I'm taking a deep breath. I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am leaping into the wind with my self as my parachute...

The Grand Finale: the ending is also the beginning....sweet

Mediation:
So mundane, so predictable really...My best friend J says that the best predictor of future behaviors are past behaviors....damn you J, you ARE one smart fella!


I knew going in tothe mediation session that I was worth nothing in my exes' eyes....always was that way...

I sat and listened as he spewed bullshit about how amazingly fabulous, generous, smart, skilled and ethical I am, then, he said .."see, she doesn't need me to pay her much in settlement...she can make her own money..I don't think I should have to carry her on my back"...lol

You are damned predictable sir...so, I signed off...but here's the deal. I carried you for decades...I cared for your dying, I worked so you could study and be so special that normal rules didn't apply to you, I pretended I was blind to your betrayals so that you never had to choose, never had to decide. I raised our daughters, always afraid that they'd end up like me, taking it...

So here's the funny thing. I don't care that you gaveme the absolute least amount possible.I will do just fine. In fact, I think I will soar now that I am not carrying you.
I think the disservice I did to myself and my daughters, the shitty example I set by staying too long will somewhat be undone by the new me.

p.s. not that it matters, but after I tossed you out (.i love the predictor of future behavior that cued me in to what this whole process would be like) you promised to do a collaborative divorce and then while I was moving our daughter, you went to a lawyer, hid it and lied on the legal document and said that you had decided to leave me ...all about pretense and pretend...saving face, pretending and covering your ass are what you were always about in our relationship. Now, it no longer matters...

be happy, if you know how to do that...I will be...already am. Watch out for karma tho...it is a bitch...

4 for you, 1 for me....ah that's so you...

To date or not to date; that is the not question

Have a mad crush on a man who is probably too young for me. I laugh when I see that on paper tho cuz my heart and spirit have never been younger or more true...

I'm not sure how he feels in return...he IS an enigma...I kinda like that tho, confusing as it is. Mute point tho, cuz no matter what he feels, I can't read it.!!!!!.. I know also, that I love him as a friend and I won't wreck that. He is honest, kind, has developed a love for gardens, and works as hard as anyone I know. He loves warm beautiful colors and dares to use them...that is wonderful cuz he doesn't care that others don't get the beauty...
I am afraid that these days I don't know the difference between what I want and what is real. Why not believe he could be attracted tho...that he could feel it too???.. Many other young men in their 30's chase me...let me know they find me attractive. Sometimes I wonder if they all have some "Mrs Robinson, kookoo ka choo" nuttiness going on? Have they all really seen the Graduate? They are damned slick and smooth tho...some even sincere... flirting, the double entendres, the soft touches of their hands on my shoulder or arm, their hands resting in the small of my back...so sweet, so freaky... but it only leaves me feeling lonely and missing intimacy more...It's funny sometimes, flattering sometimes, and, sometimes it seems, just so pointless...we always end up talking, talking, laughing and I end up as their mother-figure which in the end, seems safe and sweet and oh so appropriate...lol...no cougar instincts after all...or if they are there, I kill them like a bad litter...

I know that I am ready to dare to care again...to share my life and laughter with someone who appreciates it. I am seeing that I am old-fashioned, lonely. Not to say that my family and friends don't make my life rich beyond words...they are so wonderful. I am so so so so lucky. But, they are not a love, a soul-mate. So, I guess I will stop waiting for the sky to open and the man in question to dare to care..

So, then that is the question; how does a gal find a real date in this crazy world? I mean a date worth having!

It is time...the divorce is almost final...and, I finally truly feel free. Sweet thing, that feeling!
Slante

kitchens and confessions

I am painting my kitchen walls "smoldering red", my cabinets a "midnight grey"...

I am contemplating how apt those color choices really are.

...Something in me is smoldering...not in a bad way. It's as if the flame that lights one's soul dies down and barely holds heat during crisis times: death, divorce, loss of faith in all things we once held to be true...it gets so cold and that smolder of ash barely makes it...

Then, if we are lucky, a breeze comes along and fans that dying heat back to flame...
Forgive the bad metaphors, but a bunch of breezes have saved my ash( god how I love bad puns!)
My dearest friend and art buddy's faith in me, gives me faith in myself...he sees me as bold and brave and I will try to prove him right!!! I will dare to choose red...

So, "smoldering red" it is...all over my walls, all over my heart...I was afraid to choose it but a friend told me that it IS me, and damn it, I think he is right. So I will smolder and smile at the bold choice...

As for the midnight grey...well, sometimes the dark makes the flame seem even brighter...midnight is a time where we dare to dream...grey is the color of my hair streak, a reminder that life is short and DO NOT waste even one minute of it...

So, in a week or two, it will be finished...bold, sleek, dark and beautiful. I hope to be the same...
Slante

Guns and Underpants...all in one day

All my life I have been terrified of guns...dad was a hunter and carried a Glock for self-defense and I had a re-occurring dream where I'd pick one up and shoot myself or him or sibling, or someone else...all leading to mayhem, carnage, scary bad things..

Today I went to a shooting range with a friend who taught me safety, how to load, unload, aim, shoot, balance, proper grip, stance...it was oddly non-eventful as far as the expected panic that never came...

It was zen like...keep one eye closed, keep arms relaxed but firm at shoulder height, aim, breath in pull trigger and breath out...Considering I forgot my glasses...Igot almost all X's, 9'sand 7-8's. I did not panic, remanined focused...controlled, and felt a sense of immediate gratification when I saw the shots grouped so close.

It all seems so odd tho, cuz it seems so not me to shoot anything!!! even a paper target. Not so sure I'd go again, but it made me want to pick up a bow and arrow again. Used to love the skill and strength needed for archery... I think the more obvious sense of sportsmanship regarding that is more appealing..
What did I learn?
1) You can understand and conquor old fears.
2)You can teach an old dog new tricks..
3) I'm a damned good shot!

Now, a shower, a put on pretty clothes and daainty shoes and off to the Ritz for the Lili's Burlesque Underpants Show ...Never have been afraid of underpants...just looking forward to the laughs, the music and the attitude...damn I love those ladies.
Proud that the reviews have been amazing across the board...from the City Pages to the Pioneer Press to Public Radio...the" art farts"from the local theatre crowd finally get it!

Amen

Cheers ladies!

Two J's not one but 2, in one lucky woman's life!

How did I ever get so lucky? I have two friends named J that I am so grateful for...I love them. They are so different and so alike at the same time. How simple a statement. I love them... How complicated. They fill my life with something I never knew In could feel again....trust, faith, hope, laughter, humor...a gift of love and trust so pure and so important that I don't know how to express what it means...

I felt for a while now that my time in this life had been some terrible joke, it's a long, fricking crazy story...very long and crazy...(except for my daughters) Then the long and never ending divorce has left me so tired, so over-fired...made me see how I'd lost my desire..Now, finally as I come back to life, I see how much I truly miss that part of my physical and spiritual self...

Then, god bless her, there is Mom...my mother of god and gloom, guilt-ridden cuz of my birth, here in my home every week, supportive but confused. I hate that there is No privacy now...on any given week... after a year of loving my alone time, it is hard to figure out my wants and needs...

No more the luxury of simply feeling my way in the dark...after finally learning to appreciate the sense of ME for the first ime in my life...and wanting to be able to move out from under the years of sad..The new me had emerged finally, and is frozen again. Here I am, a woman no longer able to pretend, with the new goal of trying to do everything in true... around mom, around my shyness...yes I said shynesS.....It made me wonder, DOES ANYONE REALLY GET THE NEW ME? DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE PROCESS I WENT THRU TO discover ALL OF THAT???

Then, miracle of all miracles, I saw how THE J'S got it!!! Totally! Each in his own way...

SO, I SAY THIS TO THE WORLD..HOW SWEET AND HOW LUCKY TO KNOW AND LOVE THEM BOTH...loved so totally and firecely...

My dear art J...you are my own dark brother... my heart and yours are one...sweet sad brother...I love you and only want you to find peace and love..I want you to be able to believe that those who love you will NOT LEAVE YOU...I am here. Always!

The other J....I think of you, as first I met you, as Obama man...upright, ethical, endearing! I love that you are driven by the machine in your head... you are loved as a new friend, you confuse my heart tho...making me wish I had met you earlier and that I was ten years younger...so so silly me...if wishes were horses, beggars would fly...Time spent with you makes me happy. just damned happy. I believe in good men again cuz of you. Thank you thank you for that. So, I have decided not to be crazy, to be grateful for friendship cuz I could NOT, for my life, hurt you, not ever! ...or confuse your friendship with my own wants and issues...what do I have to offer anyway...broken body,( but not a broken soul...that's fixed... alleluia!)
I am just happy that you both see the pilgrim soul in me, and I see both of yours, ethical, kind, just...and in this life, that is enough.

Love you both...

tossing the past into the bin, we grab the present

My dearest art friend asked me why he held onto everything, good and bad, from his past...."Does it help you understand your life?', I asked.
"No, it just sits there. I can't look at it," he answered. "Maybe, if all else fails, and I just do my art and give up everything else, it will take me to a dark place..."

"Toss it." I said. "Throw it. It's saved in your head, heart and skin already."
I drew eyes and lips on my sketchbook page. Eyes of dead friends, lips of past lovers..

"Toss it. Live for today or tomorrow, or a year from now. You have learned anything you can learn from those old letters and journals...do you want to sort and keep the stuff that shows how you've grown, captures the knowledge you've found? How you have evolved?"

"Nah, I can't bear to go through any of it," he said.

"Toss it into the bin then! Grab onto now, the present...let the past go, and maybe, you can even think future once it's gone." I said.

I pulled my knees up to my chin and looked at the sky. It was blue. So blue and the clouds were spectacular... purest white, blackest gray...Whispy, pulling apart, floating low.

He looked up too and watched the clouds for a while. "Yeah. Time to toss it all."

Then he went back to drawing a portrait of himself, shoulders bare, eyes closed, arty and dark...his own beautiful self in black and white...and
i wondered about his dead father who took so long to die...

Run Lola Run

running to myself
Current mood: contemplative

It feels like I have been running high speed, in circles, backward, forward for years...



Last night while running after a day of work and heat, I landed in a friend's back yard at a large summer celebration...I sat and watched while listening to good music and political conversation.

I ran into an old friend. She like me, had a terrible accident that she survived. She like me, had a partner who NEVER ONCE said in the aftermath, "I'm glad you survived...I love you."

She said it made her think there has to be someone in her life who would simply say "I'm grateful you are still here with me."

Simple wishes. Simple needs. Someone who is glad for your company. Someone who is grateful for your life.

I want that. For both of us...no, for all of us.

During my life's marathon, I have experienced many highs and lows: two amazing daughters that have made the many lows palatable, many many friends who have colored my place on the planet beautifully, a business that is more a network for social interaction, thieves who stole money and trust, loved ones who betrayed love, neighbors and customers who stood up and did the right thing when it was time...over all, I see how lucky I have been...so much more than, how sad.

Stop running, Lola...see the luck...