To date or not to date; that is the not question

Have a mad crush on a man who is probably too young for me. I laugh when I see that on paper tho cuz my heart and spirit have never been younger or more true...

I'm not sure how he feels in return...he IS an enigma...I kinda like that tho, confusing as it is. Mute point tho, cuz no matter what he feels, I can't read it.!!!!!.. I know also, that I love him as a friend and I won't wreck that. He is honest, kind, has developed a love for gardens, and works as hard as anyone I know. He loves warm beautiful colors and dares to use them...that is wonderful cuz he doesn't care that others don't get the beauty...
I am afraid that these days I don't know the difference between what I want and what is real. Why not believe he could be attracted tho...that he could feel it too???.. Many other young men in their 30's chase me...let me know they find me attractive. Sometimes I wonder if they all have some "Mrs Robinson, kookoo ka choo" nuttiness going on? Have they all really seen the Graduate? They are damned slick and smooth tho...some even sincere... flirting, the double entendres, the soft touches of their hands on my shoulder or arm, their hands resting in the small of my back...so sweet, so freaky... but it only leaves me feeling lonely and missing intimacy more...It's funny sometimes, flattering sometimes, and, sometimes it seems, just so pointless...we always end up talking, talking, laughing and I end up as their mother-figure which in the end, seems safe and sweet and oh so appropriate...lol...no cougar instincts after all...or if they are there, I kill them like a bad litter...

I know that I am ready to dare to care again...to share my life and laughter with someone who appreciates it. I am seeing that I am old-fashioned, lonely. Not to say that my family and friends don't make my life rich beyond words...they are so wonderful. I am so so so so lucky. But, they are not a love, a soul-mate. So, I guess I will stop waiting for the sky to open and the man in question to dare to care..

So, then that is the question; how does a gal find a real date in this crazy world? I mean a date worth having!

It is time...the divorce is almost final...and, I finally truly feel free. Sweet thing, that feeling!
Slante