How did I ever get so lucky? I have two friends named J that I am so grateful for...I love them. They are so different and so alike at the same time. How simple a statement. I love them... How complicated. They fill my life with something I never knew In could feel again....trust, faith, hope, laughter, humor...a gift of love and trust so pure and so important that I don't know how to express what it means...
I felt for a while now that my time in this life had been some terrible joke, it's a long, fricking crazy story...very long and crazy...(except for my daughters) Then the long and never ending divorce has left me so tired, so over-fired...made me see how I'd lost my desire..Now, finally as I come back to life, I see how much I truly miss that part of my physical and spiritual self...
Then, god bless her, there is Mom...my mother of god and gloom, guilt-ridden cuz of my birth, here in my home every week, supportive but confused. I hate that there is No privacy now...on any given week... after a year of loving my alone time, it is hard to figure out my wants and needs...
No more the luxury of simply feeling my way in the dark...after finally learning to appreciate the sense of ME for the first ime in my life...and wanting to be able to move out from under the years of sad..The new me had emerged finally, and is frozen again. Here I am, a woman no longer able to pretend, with the new goal of trying to do everything in true... around mom, around my shyness...yes I said shynesS.....It made me wonder, DOES ANYONE REALLY GET THE NEW ME? DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE PROCESS I WENT THRU TO discover ALL OF THAT???
Then, miracle of all miracles, I saw how THE J'S got it!!! Totally! Each in his own way...
SO, I SAY THIS TO THE WORLD..HOW SWEET AND HOW LUCKY TO KNOW AND LOVE THEM BOTH...loved so totally and firecely...
My dear art J...you are my own dark brother... my heart and yours are one...sweet sad brother...I love you and only want you to find peace and love..I want you to be able to believe that those who love you will NOT LEAVE YOU...I am here. Always!
The other J....I think of you, as first I met you, as Obama man...upright, ethical, endearing! I love that you are driven by the machine in your head... you are loved as a new friend, you confuse my heart tho...making me wish I had met you earlier and that I was ten years younger...so so silly me...if wishes were horses, beggars would fly...Time spent with you makes me happy. just damned happy. I believe in good men again cuz of you. Thank you thank you for that. So, I have decided not to be crazy, to be grateful for friendship cuz I could NOT, for my life, hurt you, not ever! ...or confuse your friendship with my own wants and issues...what do I have to offer anyway...broken body,( but not a broken soul...that's fixed... alleluia!)
I am just happy that you both see the pilgrim soul in me, and I see both of yours, ethical, kind, just...and in this life, that is enough.
Love you both...
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