life in spades

Wow. Lots of time has passed since my last post. Nationally, personally, financially, "parentally".
Most of it has been good. I have settled into single life and have learned to love it. I am not sure if I can ever love again and am okay with that. Now, it seems enough to learn to love and like myself. That has been an interesting trip.

I find that I no longer really care what anyone else thinks about me. The assumptions people make are hilarious. The misunderstanding of my relationships with my male friends is on-going, but I have to admit, I sometimes find them confusing too.

I love that I can let myself be attracted to and laugh with men without having to think it is sexual. I also love that so many people assume it can only be sexual. I am flattered that I am seen as still being sexual.

It is interesting to live as a sexual celibate and consider what makes me tick without sex being part of the equation: Friendship, family, becoming a grandmother, my daughters, laughter, Art, in all forms, gardening, the grown-up spelling bee, Darts, a good glass of wine and a great poem or lyric.

Are they enough to fuel a full life? For now, yes.

Trust and love? I think they will come again. I am ready now. Wasn't before. Now, time will tell.

Slainte

So much to consider, to love, to want

Hello again. Seems like forever since I have written here. Life has been good, bad, ugly...personally, economically, socially...
In the midst of all of this, I have been learning so much about me. What matters to me. What I want. What I fear. What I trust. What I don't want and will not do...

A life, wide-open, is like a road trip. Take the freeway and you get there fast; take the back-roads and you find beauty and joy and surprises at every stop. Some are amazingly good. Others are like a trip I took to Mexico once; full of poverty, sadness, dirt and then you land on this incredible beach in front of a most powerful ocean...I would say that this last two years have been a mix of both types of trips. Ultimately, I have a sense of seeing that vast and powerful ocean. I know about the undertow. I know about the tides. I know about the life beneath, both beautiful and dangerous. I see how the moon reflects it's light in a fluid way that shifts with each wave. I hear it's lullaby. I know and respect its power. Knowing all of this, I choose to swim in it.

I will choose my friends wisely. Those I choose, I will love fiercely. I will love and believe in the potential goodness of most people. I will trust those worthy of trust. I will not suffer those who are not. I will learn to find my way in these shifting times and believe in my ability to not just survive, but help others to do so too.

I will make mistakes. I will probably fall in love and be hurt again. I will dare to try again, anyway. I will only love someone "with both feet off the ground," if they understand and love the "pilgrim soul" in me. I will love theirs too. I will not be hateful or cruel. I will be angry at injustice. In that anger, I will be constructive and use it to make change happen.

I will never, ever, not see the beauty, both grand and small, in front of my eyes. I will try to create beauty as often as I can.
I will laugh. I will laugh. I will laugh.

Slante